i wish i could live with someone who understands the context and nuance of my upbringing and worldview. Someone who can relate to my lived experience and survival. Someone who knows how it feels to have my particular behavioural responses. And someone who knows what I mean quickly without extended expansion and explanation.
I already live with this person. I always have
A musician I really admire said nice things about my song.
skwweeeeeeeeeeeee. such a mix of uncomfortable and intense feelings
Everyone you know or have heard of at this point in time will be dead in around 120 years.
Probably replaced by someone else who will have to fix our mistakes.
Why don’t we start acting like this is the case and fix them now.
Help each other live with shelter, food, water, sharing, health, love…
Can’t we keep Earth for the future instead of using it now to destroy each other?
Be kind. You aren’t going to last long. Don’t destroy nice things for now and destroy a future you will never reach.
Don’t be a dick.
Choose your authority well if you can. They are ruining everything.
Exploitation of resources and labour.
Fuck their plastic desires. The greedy cunts. No.
Know time is what you make it, there is time to change, but best believe, you will die, and so will everyone else. No one will save you. It is down to you to save the future.
How am I doing? Right now I’m defiantly fighting worries from capital, exploitation, war, nationalism, and greed, to try and give the best possible life to the people I care about; eating a curry, and enjoying watching my cat run around on catnip.
How are you?
I love watching the seasons unfold and change before me. I enjoy the cloud and rain of spring, the overcast humidity and thunderstorms of summer, the dense saturation of the wet, wet autumn, and a long dark rain soaked storms of the bleak midwinter. The seasons are awesome
My favourite 20 albums of all time as of today.
1. Music For People In Trouble by Susanne Sundfør
2. Ask The Deep by Sóley
3. Bwyd Time by Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci
4. Spaceland by Sin Fang
5. We Sink by Sóley
6. Ends by Euros Childs
7. Out Spaced by Super Furry Animals
8. Sleeplessness by Sea Oleena
9. The Space Between by Alice Boman
10. DJ KICKS by Kruder and Dorfmeister
11. Moon Safari by Air
12. Fuzzy Logic by Super Furry Animals
13. Big Wows by Stealing Sheep
14. Nology by Nolo
15. Lick My Decals Off Baby by Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band
16. Mug Museum by Cate Le Bon
17. Adrenaline by Deftones
18. Brighter Days by FM Belfast
19. The Ghost That Carried Us Away by Seabear
20. Rage Against The Machine by Rage Against The Machine
I try to think with precision
I live without precision
Sedated, like slow, permanent, anaesthesia.
Not fully existing, half aware, a breathing sack partially feeling.
Neither high nor low, neither happy nor sad, somewhere somewhat living always slightly asleep.
A man spoke:
“I like cats.”
Dingo raspberry pinched my waist and gave me a smile
Long fingers piano hands an’t spoke up in a while
The disco-von-rhapsody has awoken my mind
Inspired umami gestures not difficult to find
I love you I love you whatever else can I do?
Even if you run out of hair to run my hands through
What more do you want I have it all to give
Give me a sign let our ambrosial love live
Basketball spins on your callous dimpled fingers
Witch hands begin as your hastened dream lingers
Empirical something FUCK IT, just FUCK IT, I can’t stand writing, it’s so fucking boring and don’t want to continue. This poem ends here and I shan’t hear another FUCKING thing about it.
Said the tired fleshy bag tube sat at the keyboard.
Virtue is living in accordance with the nature, the laws of physics, and the deterministic and probabilistic reality of any given ecosystem.
Morals are laws and commands proposed by humans to attempt to organise and control nature and society.
Some morals maybe virtuous. Some virtues maybe moral.
Dull moments don’t happen in my brain. I can be staring at a wall doing absolutely nothing and it’s like a whole universe in there. It’s a curse and a blessing.
Often when something interrupts me doing nothing, for example, something happening, it’s very inconvenient and unpleasant.
I like talking to you, not so much that I need to, just because I want to.
You help me give you my feelings, not that I want to, just because I like to.
What’s gone is gone, some has been lost, just much has been gained.
More communication is good because although we are autistic we don’t get stuck in an infinite loop.
Having you in the room is surprisingly ok.
Pushing through to the moon left humanity to pay.
Fuck golfers, man.
Tomatoes add a tangy flavour but on their own are filthsome.
“Go to sleep right now. Turn this phone off. I am coming. I am so upset with you right now. Go to bed. Recover. Go to bed.”
NO!
Why do people go on holidays?
“I’d love to go somewhere unfamiliar and feel uncomfortable; with none of my home comforts, or local knowledge, or pet companionship, or access to hobbies, or feelings of safety. That sounds wonderful!”
This morning my next door neighbour was using a cordless drill and through the wall it was oddly musical.
I danced for a bit to a cassette tape I made a few months ago and my eye did a very pronounced and extended twitch in time to 1/64 notes of the song that was playing.
I did day 2 of my skincare routine and optimised the order I apply the retinol and the e45 hydrating cream listening to only acting by kero kero bonito and felt grateful i’d seen them live.
And then, and then, then I went to bed and thought about Roger Penrose. There aren’t many people who I’d like to be able spend another lifetime thinking about things but he sure is. Oh boy, what a gas, what a beautiful mess.
I’m looking after my cat because he’s the best. He’s getting all the treats. What a star! He’s sat on my belly right now. An absolute legend for the ages. A god amongst mortals. A superstar of epic proportions. He is the essence of the source of the universe, life, and everything.
Cloth is still good but the way global warming is going it might just become fucking useless except for making flags to wave; one way or another
Non sense
Are you French?
Let me write, right
Don’t listen, say what you were saying anyway
Pancake lens depth
This field is knee high
Glottal stop
Give me a thorn or an eth
Weak and wasted
Scrape me off the floor like you are the plague
Finding truth doesn’t require a huge leap of faith. Only some faith in our senses, reasoning, measurement.
An interpretation in the context of some kind of fuzzy compatibilism between free will, determinism, as well as the absolute and relative, within in some multifaceted and interdependent universe view, follows:
Impermanence, the temporary nature of everything is true. I can see this. I can hear this. I can taste this. I can feel this.
Learning history and measuring science confirms this.
Change, the idea that life and the universe are a set of processes, whether they are probabilistic or deterministic, or both, is true. I can see this. I can hear this. I can taste this. I can feel this.
Everything is changing all of the time, even time itself will change, and the forces of change itself will change. This is confirmed by a third truth.
Uncertainty is true. We can never have all the answers, even ones with holy attributes, everything can be questioned. We are partially intelligent mammals, some more than others, if someone claims to know it all. They are lying. Uncertainty is fundamental to the probabilistic part of the universe. I can see this. I can hear this. I can taste this. I can feel this.
The temporary nature of existence, the fundamental concept of change, and the unlimited illusions of uncertainty all support and enforce each other.
To come to the realisation of the most obvious facts is to open your eyes, listen intently, eat and drink merrily, and feel your mammalian mortality.
Strip this information of any personal validation your mind wanted to hear. Psychologically, we are easily tricked, hundreds of biases in all directions are ready to fool yourself in any number of ways.
So, when you find truth, don’t be so sure that you haven’t just primed yourself to believe exactly what you wanted to believe, evidence of something that’s seemingly true, isn’t evidence of truth.
This is only my best guess, can I tell you why? No. I am bear of little brain. I can ask you to find out for yourself!
Sory, please accept my deepest apologies. As flowers are coming into full bloom, and fledglings are finding their own way in life, it is now becoming the hottest time of year and temperatures around the northern hemisphere are dramatically increasing. It’s easy to make mistakes and errors of judgement in this rapidly changing enviroment, especially amongst the backdrop of climate change and the expedited destruction of our planet from the worldwide exploitation of resources and labour. So I must underline my deep gratitude and thank you for your understanding that I made severe and continuous lapse of judgment. I do not expect to be forgiven; but a spelling mistake is a spelling mistake.
In no particular order:
– Tekken: Series (Various Consoles)
– Soulcalibur 5 and 6 (Various Consoles)
– Command and Conquer: Original two games/remasters/OpenRA (PC)
– Half Life (PC)
– God of War (2018) + Ragnarok (PS5)
– EA WRC (PC)
– DJ MAX Respect V + DLCs (PC)
– Beat Saber (PC VR)
– The Elder Scrolls V Skyrim (PC)
– Mario Kart – many versions – (Nintendo)
– Super Mario Odyssey (Switch)
– New Zealand Story (Atari ST)
– R-Type (Atari ST)
– Kick Off 2 (Atari ST)
– International Cricket (floppyshop version) (Atari ST)
– Championship Manager 97/98 (PC)
– Gran Turismo 7 (PSVR2)
– New Super Mario Brothers (DS)
– Super Meat Boy (PC)
– Populous (Atari ST)
– Unreal Tournament (PC)
Nutkin: Unfortunately I am working five night shifts in a row. Ughhh but then I get a nice several day rest and a vacation sometime soon.
Me: Where are you going?
Nutkin: Nowhere. A cleaning staycation
Me: The universal essence and perfect purity of light that permeates all existence; is best expressed by following the example of, and doing the work of; fundamental vibrating energy. And I think you can clean things with that!
I haven’t done anything so far up til and including age 38, but that’s ok, because it took ~380,000 years for the universe to become transparent and for light to function properly
Does anything mean anything anymore in this world of deconstructed quantum mindful sustainably holistic energy that leverages scalable paradigm shifts towards efficient future proof value propositions and turn key solutions that optimise a business’ core competency?
*Ongoing*:
– Server/Website/SysAdmin: maintenance and updates
– Music: especially vocal synthesis
– Music: Tapes
– Games: DJ MAX Respect V, EA WRC, Old RTS, Tekken, VR music games
– Cat maintenance
– Chores/Housework/Self Care
– Friends/Pandas/Games Group
– Books: writing rants/poems/etc.
– Books: reading eastern philosophy/translations of ancient Chinese poems
– Books: reading contemporary poetry
– Painting: extra large canvases
– Painting: finish/restart Kayleigh’s paintings
– Photography: birds
– Volunteering: Lowedges Library
*Future*:
– Server: add faircamp
– Server: add nextcloud, secure it
– Server: add mastodon instance
– Server: host other future projects
– Music: Collaborations: mixing for Steve (Aspestos Vape II), recording Lucas, possible bonkwave collabs
– Music: Vocaloids
– Music: field/portable recordings
– Game Dev: VR audio visualisation in Unity
– Game Dev: Beat Saber levels
– Game Dev: custom VR chat avatar
– Animation/Editing: music video
– Games: some inevitable time sink
– Books: reading novels
– Books: reading Indian philosophy books
– Books: reading contemporary philosophy/economics/politics/climate
– Books: programming/CS
– Books: write mental short story/novella
– Education: learn maths on Khan Academy
– Photography: portraits and candid people
– Exercise: couch to 5k/epic walks
– Friends/Pandas/Games Group: meet friends for first time (in ages or full stop)
– House: new carpet
– House: new storage
– House: replace broken window
– Personal Development: learn to fly on my own cloud and pursue immortality alone on a remote mountain side
Your overexposed face is pale
A reminder of warmth in winter
I love you
I’m the sunshine behind the clouds,
At night, I’m the new moon,
You don’t see me anymore
What is said is probably discarded
As we desperately try to salvage connection
Putting each other first
Energy is never destroyed
But it is misplaced
Where do we lose it?
By trying to keep it for ourselves?
Some things come in threes
Dimensions, colours, buses,
And us
A lopsided face droops some expression of emotion at me
I don’t recognise it but I should probably nod or smile
A bunch of lobsters floating in on the jet stream land in my garden
What is this weather!? Honestly…
Sometimes I can only sweep
The floor won’t clean itself
The floor won’t move all the dust
The floor isn’t lava but is dirty
And I have to do it crying
I keep cupboards full of tinned food
Ready for an emergency
Locked in my fallout room
Me and my cat brace for the blast
There goes everything
An explosion of greed
Greed destroying greed
The farmer has come to thin the herd
‘Protect and Survive’
Plays the synth of death
Solemnly swimming in the abyss
I have made nothing my home
Decorated occasionally by things that happen
Or new stuff I learn
In a substrate of sound
I float, mostly
Emptiness is all I yearn for
A vessel of potential
Uncarved, unembellished
A fair standard amongst chaos
What is the loudest noise you’ve heard
Without your eardrums breaking
Now watch it grow, exponentially
A lot of noise, often, will eventually deafen you
But one blast might change your entire existence
Don’t wish for the end
But prepare for it
Gone are day to day squabbles
When things are properly observed
Just listen
In your nothing, in your silence,
You don’t know what you will hear
Next!
Do you know something I realised today? I have been so worried about getting angry at rage bait, rage bait news, rage bait social media…
Reading these words from angry people makes me angry, I was so worried that my mental health was declining because there’s more rage than ever…
I thought I was losing control of myself…
But the problem is not me, it’s the article, or the social media post, or the toxic community of whatever, I was absorbing all the rage as if it was some deep inbuilt fault of my own, like it was a broken part of myself, blaming myself for getting upset, but that’s not what’s happening…
It’s the content’s problem not mine, it’s the author’s broken brain, not mine, my reaction was a rational, and dare I say, justified one, me getting upset is ok, that’s not the problem, the content is the problem.
I was soooo quick to blame myself and I want to remember it’s ok to have emotions
empty conduit
– an illusion of control –
life happens through it
Green ivy cuddles a grey pillar
A monolith reaching to the clouds
Cold concrete weathered by the winds of time
A butterfly lands on a vine grasping the column
A beat of a wing and off it goes
Pushed along by greater atmospheric forces
It flaps as a part of something bigger
Ultimately accepting unison
A man falls from atop the pillar
Fallen, he eats the dirt
He shits the dirt
He vomits the dirt
Laying there restless
He is paralysed
A brown haired woman lends a hand
Her glasses and nose ring etched in his mind
Well, I’ve done absolutely nothing today.
I think the cat deserves a tin of tuna tonight!
I read a lot of things and make it fit my schema.
Don’t particularly know if I am learning necessarily, because reading is not making mistakes, it is not shedding biases, it is dispelling illusions, it is not knowing and living with oneself, it is not being still and listening, it is not embodiment of everyday actions, it is not waking up in the morning everyday as a complete beginner.
Reading is good, but is it really learning?
Having repetitive and intrusive thoughts along the lines of “being a recluse and indulging in mysticism is going to make life a lot easier” I mean yeah, sure, I guess, but can I please think about something else?
I am a cat.
Don’t tell anyone.
A slimy hippopotamus fell through my bedroom ceiling and woke me up.
‘You fat fuck, you’re crushing me!’
…
‘Oh so now you decide to disintegrate into patterns of all different colours and a three hour drone of rainfall noises! Well about time! Maybe now I can get back to sleep.’
Listening to someone is easy.
Repeat what they are saying to tell them you understand. Ask it back as a question to focus on one area, or paraphrase their words to expand upon or encourage a similar idea. People like that.
Try to keep what they are saying in a positive regard even if you disagree or it’s a heavy topic. You’ll have plenty of time to have your say when it’s your turn to speak.
In a simple way, having a conversation with a good listener is like
IF x
THEN x + y
ELSE x + z – y
I don’t think static descriptions of things actually truly accurate. Yes, they are relevant, and can be useful, but to me things are a complex tapestry of processes where a single thread is a process that is happening at any given time.
How am I feeling?
If x, y, z…
I am feeling approximately y, a process of feeling something between the wider process of x to z.
Of course this is a simplistic example of a sequence, focusing on one particular feeling, ignoring context, but I wanted to focus on one thread in the tapestry on its own.
The tapestry may be made of many threads but they are all from the same source.
The tapestry itself maybe all one thread just very very tangled.
When using a foundation of mystery, looking at different philosophies throughout history is somewhat not directly comparable because they involve different standards of evidence, different concepts, and different ways of understanding in different contexts.
The same goes as science, and how it keeps revolutionising itself and our understanding possibly becomes more precise.
Mystery and intuition is a foundation for discovery and is also one of the few common factors of learning in different sociological environments.
Revolutions in science, a paradigm shift, as Kuhn would put it, are hazily mirrored in societal change, such as revolutions in modern attitudes to civil rights and gender equality. Periods of crisis often resolve into new broadly accepted frameworks. Hopeless politicians and incremental lame duck movements do very little towards real change, which essentially, is in the hands of the many. Some have space travel and near mastery of nuclear science but we don’t have people that are nice to trans people and/or disabled people (among many other groups).
Hopefully humanity can make up this sociopolitical capability gap, as compared with our ability to gain knowledge, by using similar revolutionary processes as scientific discoveries use to add responsibility and better methods of collective organisation to solve problems in our world. This could be a people led activism by masses who think outside of the box to solve a problem.
Perhaps using these ideas we can make a future where we can redefine prosperity, encourage ecological stability and better standards of living, and prioritise this over destructive continuous economic growth, and use our revolutionary methodology gained from solving complex scientific problems to make a more equitable life for those less fortunate and those less privileged.
So called ‘certainties’ are fickle and often disappoint. Uncertainties contain the potential we need for collective personal development and motivation for scientific and societal change.
Mystery is the foundation.
Ugh, waffle. Pseudo-intellectual guff. I do love paradoxes and vagueness, though! ^.^
If someone eventually reads all this it will be misconstrued and misinterpreted. I hope I don’t get to see that happen
The crick of a tree trunk still growing after 200 years
The crook of the branches mathematically positioning for light
Efficiency of aging as units of time become less significant
Things pass quicker now we are old and meaning becomes proportionally less
Roots sent down and balances are in place to have more fun
Compensation for those who are settled and wasting away
Conscious experience is just what is above the ground
Even the tree grows both ways to out compete those around them
The Robot Dog’s lesson:
Lie on the floor and let it devour you
Completely animal; you are in space
A paw on your shoulder
A claw to open old wounds
Time stops when you speak to me
A cup of tea turns to pure nectar
Liquid purity, the elixir of life,
The perfect time to melt your insides
Let yourself rot and you shall become wise
You don’t learn: ‘Yeah, that’s the point’
Watch this. ‘No, don’t tell me what to do’
Let your saliva be the best thing someone tastes
I retrieve dada poems and anarchy
Tear it all down, leave none in your path
A lonesome emancipation
Give me my mind’s liberation
The dog exhibits traits consistent with early-onset psychosis or a related mental health condition involving delusions and sensory distortions. The vivid certainty of the robotic 15 year old’s belief and subsequent existential ruminations suggest a break from reality triggered by internal stimuli.
The episode aligns with delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or possibly early schizophrenia, though further diagnostic evaluation is required. The perceived heightened detail in ordinary objects (e.g. the robot boy’s saliva) could indicate derealisation or hyperreality distortion, common in such disorders.
The dog describes a profound inability to differentiate between delusion and reality during the episode. Post-episode distress includes persistent existential fears and self-derogatory thoughts, leading to emotional exhaustion. These symptoms suggest significant impairment in daily functioning and a likelihood of recurrent episodes.
Grey skies above,
my mind ablaze.
Head buzz; Dog pants.
Conspiracy,
know it’s all fake.
Intense current,
electric brain,
simulated,
reality.
Golden fur pet,
Looks real; too real.
Certified bot,
owner savant,
Robotics god.
I don’t exist.
Repetitive
thoughts wear me down.
Baby, I’m a
Monstrosity.
Aged around 15 I looked the window and saw a man and van across the road
I heard a voice that possessed me to go outside
So I went outside and saw a large, slobbering, golden retriever in the passenger seat
I asked the man if I could look at the dog, He said ‘Yes, go ahead’
I had never seen the like of such, a robot dog that looked real
I saw it’s saliva dripping off it’s teeth, stained partly yellow with a slight decay
Each hair was individually realised in their own way, part of something greater
It’s eyes looked alive with a lifetime of experiences shining through them
I think the man must have been a genius, possibly the cleverest person alive
Such was the attention to detail in every aspect of the dog
It was uncanny, how this dog could be robot, I certainly realised that day, the power of technology
My mind blown, I returned home, and thought about if that robot dog exists, what other incredible things exist
Orange peel on the counter top
How long has been since I saw the sea?
Deep blue expanse puppet of the moon
My heart between warm oranges and reds
And cool blues like an old guitar tune
A fruit salad could pick me up
That’s pudding sorted for tea tonight
Heat and light from the oven glows up the kitchen
The taste of comfort as we enter winter’s embrace
Gather round and enjoy food with me
Colour me full, I’m stuffed, satisfied
Sounds of cheer paint the room orange
Splats of spilt curry paint the floor
The moon has a blue tinge through the cloud
Food is energy for life’s troubles and tricks
Pull the peel of your problems and let’s eat
What’s the noodle you are sucking out that tangle of thoughts?
Why are you counting each grain of rice in the bowl?
Eat when you’re hungry, mindful necessity.
Analysis of calories and nutrients, an obsessive mindfuck.
Only option is for disaster, everything for you leads to pain
Crisis after crisis, unending cycles, nothing but tiresome shame
Reward your good decisions, your plans for coping get used
Indigo clouds and brightly coloured dragonflies look on, confused
A cup of tea warms the empty
Tugging me back to earth
My favourite thing approaching forty
Trying to feel my worth
Send me a message
Don’t be a stranger
I’m not obsessive
Share what pains yer
Colonoscopy DNA editing
Gut biome discovered
Sixty minutes waiting and waiting
Constipation recovered
A bee stuck in glue placed by a menacing child
The call of the cuckoo across the rain-soaked valley
Sheltering insects wait out the storm
Only to cry tears of silk and light
A claw reached into my pocket
Looking for a treat
Fur from my pet in a locket
Give it something to eat
Crash wack-a-doodle!
Up jumped the moon
Said ‘You’ve got nothing to lose-el.
You big stupid baffoon!’
Teeth jagged carving fruit for superior digestion
Rot ridden harvest this year’s misbehaving endowment
The bleak, the blunt, the misfiring error
The hard, the strong, the confident disaster
Uncanny grapefruit drink making me sleepy
Intrusive enzyme kink taking the spirit
Lasting acorn supply
Doubtin’ forlorn magpie
Father muster your energy
I need you to stay alive
Things to ponder:
Thank you, for all your help with the colours
This case study examines the profound psychological impact of a long-term human-feline bond in the context of schizoaffective disorder management. Through qualitative analysis of the subject’s reported experiences, this paper explores how intense attachment to a feline companion contributes to psychological stability and daily functioning, particularly during symptomatic periods.
The therapeutic potential of human-animal bonds has been widely documented in psychiatric literature. This analysis focuses on a specific case demonstrating the stabilising influence of a seven-year relationship between an individual with schizoaffective disorder and their feline companion.
Data was collected through direct narrative account, focusing on:
The subject demonstrates an intense, secure attachment to their feline companion, characterised by:
Notable behavioral patterns include:
The relationship appears to provide:
The intensity of attachment, rather than presenting as pathological, serves an adaptive function by:
This case demonstrates how intense human-animal bonds can serve as therapeutic tools in managing severe mental health conditions. The subject’s self-reported strengthening and stabilisation through this relationship suggests that such bonds can provide critical support structures for individuals managing schizoaffective disorder.
The findings suggest potential therapeutic applications:
The analysed relationship demonstrates the potential therapeutic value of intense human-animal bonds in managing schizoaffective disorder. The subject’s feline companion serves multiple adaptive functions: emotional regulation, motivation for daily functioning, and stability maintenance. This suggests that similar bonds could be therapeutically beneficial for other individuals managing severe mental health conditions.
Do something nice for someone
Add tinkling of reverberating bells
Hold me over a bowl of steaming curry
Chick peas
Oven gloves
Snot sneezed into my elbow
Infected jumper for the wash
Reflexes
Caught a cold
Wash up the dishes
A bath for my hands
Birthday wishes
From faraway lands
Coupled with unrealistic dreams
And benefits for my friends
Offering nothing
Nothing but silence
And a pack of tarot cards
Never opened
Never researched
The regret and the nigh time memories
Anguish constantly being put back to the back of my mind
A haunting flute above an orchestra
Sounds pure and sweet in front of strings
But breathy and imprecise on its own
Gone are the days of wandering alone
What will get me out of my door
Recharge the battery
Of my spirit and soul
Meaning helps you have purpose.
You are not alone.
Other perspectives are great but concentrate on what you are doing.
The answer to the meaning of life is in the question “What is the meaning of life?” To give meaning to life.
Chattering in the frozen breeze that killed my uncle
They have said some awful things
But they’ve been there for those that I love
Always balanced in greyscale morality
I save time for my faithful replacement
Just wooden teeth
You make me smile sometimes
When my face hasn’t felt movement
You are there
You make me want to show everything I have
When I haven’t done everything I could have
You remind me to show
My just wooden teeth
Take a moment to just reflect
Sometimes there is no need to respond
A flash of anger is well expressed
Through a creative outlet
Think about if what you want to say is what you mean
Carve out answers in experience not in yourself
With your just wooden teeth
What is it like in space?
Well you should already know
You are on Earth surrounded by a great expanse
With the courage of eight billion
You are not alone
Even if you lost it all and all you have is
Just wooden teeth
Family doesn’t last forever
So I use tools to compile a useful collection
A bunch of people trying to do what they can
When the world is ending inside their minds
I send controlled and pitched air to their ears
Through my just wooden teeth
Dear Friend
Happy Christmas
May 2025 be 5 months into next year
Love from me
No life on earth without the moon*. Thank you moon.
Thank you sun for your oppressive life giving light.
Thank you Earth for being humanity’s parent. I hope we don’t kill you completely.
*complex evolutionary reasons
how about no!
blue acorns turned grey by the wind
double dose of kombucha with extra bacteria
an armful of blankets dampened by clothes from the washer
disco circles spinning whilst music goes around and around my mind
tent poles for tarpaulins and bivvy sacks for sleeping in the wild
a cat called oscar whose brother has gone missing
granular pieces of chopped up sounds
gentle footsteps of a spider on a vertical wall
sixteen toasted sandwiches each slightly warmer than the last
a handful of ducks and a lonely goose in the melted section of a frozen pond
oblongs and arcs in different colours on a half painted canvas
a frown from a tired and stressed menopausal person
three reddish/brown bricks kept for a day when an odd brick would be handy
a cotton towel that needs awash but is still fairly soft
Who/What is this?
you are a vortex, you are honest, deep and true
a beautiful paradox, i’ll fall into you
Political/Economic/Business Leaders:
he puts his responsibility into lists of rules and regulations creating a responsibility gap
i put my responsibility into myself trying to deal with ‘me problems’ creating neurosis and “growth”
What’s better eating food or philosophy?
should i sit and think with a head full of questions?
or sit and eat and live my life with those that i love?
I don’t want to make this about “us” and “them”.
I don’t want to have a special preference for something just because I have put time, effort, and/or money into that thing.
I don’t want to think of any human being as being an “other”.
I don’t want to ignore new evidence because it’s different to my beliefs.
I don’t want to believe things whose evidence is all from the same source or methodology, more than multiple sources and different reasoning.
I don’t want to rely on anecdotes and anomalies to prove something.
I don’t want to invent a relationship between two unrelated things.
I don’t want to believe something just because I think about it a lot.
I don’t want to make existence all about the human experience.
I don’t want to necessarily associate things because I have associated them before.
I don’t want to avoid thinking about things because they have never happened before.
I don’t want to inadvertently manipulate my life into being just my expectations.
I don’t want to assume I am less biased than anyone else.
I don’t want to assume that people who agree with one thing I believe necessarily share more beliefs of mine.
I don’t want to assign high accuracy to descriptions that are deliberately vague and wide.
I don’t want to assume something is true because it fits in with my current beliefs.
I don’t want to think I am in control of things that I am not.
I don’t want to overestimate how much other people have knowledge of my mental health.
I don’t want to assume others are more egotistical than myself.
I don’t want to think I can make consistent decisions at varying levels of tiredness and/or hunger.
I don’t want to assume that other people are more predictable than myself.
I don’t want to necessarily be more compassionate to fewer identifiable victims than more unidentified ones.
I don’t want to assume losing something is more impactful than having gained it.
I don’t want to appreciate an immediate benefit more than something that has a later payoff that is arguably more valuable.
I don’t want to ignore probability when making an uncertain decision.
I don’t want to prefer making a very small risk into zero risk over making a very large risk into a very small one.
I don’t want to draw different conclusions from the same information presented in different ways.
I don’t want to think of dread as outweighing the power of savouring.
I don’t want to assume the status quo is better than an alternative because it’s what I am used to.
I don’t want to assume that big events have big consequences.
I don’t want to doubt my actual talents and abilities in fear of being called a fraud.
I don’t want to favour opinions of people just because they are in the same demographic or group or situation as myself.
I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.
I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.
I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.
I don’t want to think knowing about bias is enough to overcome it.
What is?
Waking up feeling safe. Going to sleep feeling safe. Eating. Drinking. And laughter.
What is?
Appreciating my senses. Seeing the sky. Feeling the wind. Hearing the birds. Smelling the flowers. Tasting some fruit. Sensing space. Sensing my body tense and relax. Focusing on my breath.
What is?
Being loved. Loving others. Connections. Caring. Friendship. Non transactional relationships. Being grateful. Having capacity for understanding. Spending energy. Relaxing. Sex and masturbation.
What is?
Peace. Liberty. Freedom. Support. Healthcare. Social safety nets. Cooperation. Collaboration. Collective ownership. Representation. Diversity. Inclusion. Equity. Human rights.
I was just thinking about how existing street light infrastructure was at some point upgraded to replace inefficient lighting methods with modern LEDs so much so that I had a good look out of the window to admire their design, and then guess what, they turned on!
I am winning at life. That much is indisputable
closed up in a primal rage
lost the keys for my heart’s lock
what is it about summer that makes me feel so cold?
the isolation of waking up drenched in sweat in an empty house
if i don’t shower my skin cools with a subtle musk scent
a lost glimmer dies within the backdrop of inverse shadow
as i swim through the thick humid cloud that surrounds me
agitation is burning within me
lit by rays of a combusting glow
days are too long and the spirit is too weak
the fires die down ‘though water is too brief
light blinds my senses as my head rings
if i could rest it would be until autumn
alone around people with their sun charged vibes
oppression and heat beat down day and night
aloof and distant
unfriendly daze
i cannot escape this moment
excitement seems so far away
tiresome day
hastened night
combine until the wind blows once more
and i am free of this annual prison floor
I mean this as a genuine complaint and in no way a troll towards people who suffer like this in reverse, but summer is dreadful, I hate it! Even on a rainy day it sucks.
Give me a lack of light, cold weather, opportunities to wear warm clothes. Warming up is much easier than cooling down, making things bright is much easier than making things dark.
I can’t cope with 17 hours of daylight. It’s too hot all the time, I’m uncomfortable, sunburned, constantly pouring sweat! My skin turns to shit, I am dehydrated and irritable.
Fuck this! My eyes can’t cope with light. It hurts my overheating brain. Everything and everyone seems to have loads of extra energy and are super active. It’s the opposite for me. I can’t function, at all.
Everything seems more aggressive and oppressive in summer. I am a sensitive person mentally and physically and I don’t like it. I wish I could fly north to escape. Birds have the right idea. At least I feel better for having a good moan.
/rant
Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Emotional trigger. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Unanswerable question? Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Paradoxical aphorism. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Summary. Subjective opinion.
Beauty is a moments escape. To leave oneself and still exist. A marriage of our experience of consciousness with another’s.
Our temporary senses can be unlocked and used for assessing the world around us. To see or hear something and realise that life is not limited to our experiences is freeing. This is virtuous interpretation.
Skillful artists can replicate nature in a way that connects us with this wider concept. We forget ourselves and find beauty. We feel goodness.
I will stop writing now, my food smells ready, and I am hungry
I really really enjoy the feeling of living the same day over and over. It reinforces feelings of happiness, comfort, safety, needs being met, no nasty surprises, etc. but when I have an exciting dream that’s surreal and weird or actually do something different, I am like “wow! I really am not living at all”
i’m alone, i need some social interaction, but wait, here comes a thought:
”humans are the worst. i hope nukes rain down from the skies”
john! what the fuck was that!?
ok, whatever, use the procedure
what emotion was it?
was it appropriate?
was it real?
can you rationalise it?
does it have bias? if so, can you balance it?
why did you think that?
how you resolve it and prevent it happening again?
how do you feel now?
are you sure?
do you need some food/water?
do you feel safe? if not, tell someone.
you’ve done your best. accept it and move on
awhhh shit. here comes another thought, this is going to be a long day and i’m already exhausted
”people are ashamed of me for thinking such nonsense”
FUCK SAKE!
ok, whatever, use the procedure
(Afterthought, one week later: Do bad thoughts promote and encourage more bad thoughts? Or do good thoughts come from bad thoughts and bad thoughts come from good thoughts – the same way there is company to be had in solitude and solitude to be had with company
either way: there is some good in bad and some bad in good and if we didn’t experience the bad we would never feel the good (but on relative multidimensional scales not just opposites)
I need to drown in your smile again
Your beauty untouched by cynicism
Don’t let me grind you down
My guilt and anxiety
Cleaves at me
Silently
Unwanted thievery
As I learned your ways
You taught me hope
And hope lifts me up
For that day tomorrow
That day that never comes
Stunned into inaction
A feeble attempt at living
You’d call it genuine
When I’d ruin the party
A horse walks past my kitchen
After the apples on my trees
You might’ve cooked for me
If I were a boy again
There’d be no problem
Upsetting at the table
Your undying heart never left me
I sank into myself
With those fragments I stole
Your sparkle and spirit
Saves me from myself
Always indebted
Always yours
Lightning is lightening, briefly
Getting wet is a good start if you want to dry off
This vacuum only has one gear, MAX
Seven cynical succubi seduced me into having an evening cup of tea. No sleep. Shit.
She gives me that kitchen sinking feeling
The most effective steering mechanism of a boat is a Potentilla
All of a sudden I collapsed
Fairies around my head
Blue birds in my beard
A fleshy bag on the floor
Leaking fluid a silhouette
In the sun rays upon the tiles
I’m sure one day you’ll be there
To pick me up and sit me down
My red number one fan
Far away in the sub tropics
Eat your favourite food
That will make me happy
United by cats and sadness
We are twins separated
By six thousand green miles
And only our waking lives
Thank you for all your love
Thank you for your patience
Day 13704 on planet Earth.
Yet again I find myself sat alone in a room listening to structured melodic sounds watching a moving image of people hitting spherical objects around a very large green table with sticks whilst I drink tea and wonder what is happening in my life.
Hey why is your voice getting louder and louder?
Are you ok? Do you want some help?
Silence will not change the world but please don’t deafen me.
I know this is not a quiet time for internal reflection,
So I will listen and I will be your mirror.
Truth will eventually win but the difficult part is lies are often louder.
So let the change come with a reasonable volume
Made of a great number of gentle voices, mirror upon mirror.
Let’s make it happen like it was done by nature itself
Like it was destined all along
Sound is born of silence
Brilliant light is born in the dark
Lower me a hook to save me from the uncertainty
Give me the ultimate happy ending to believe in
Bribe me with charity and sell me your dreams guarantee
Scare me with torture if I don’t follow your rules therein
I’ve got much closer to heaven with each day that passes
But dreams of heaven will be for nought the day that I die
My part will end but life goes on for the countless masses
What are the lies you tell yourself to get to sleep and why?
We have the threats, the hypocrisy, the narcissism
The generational authority passed down with glee
Black and white sins of a greyscale world lest criticism
Violence and bloodshed in Gods name that stains history
So what now can save me? Hope from family or a friend
The virtue of doing my best even if that’s not a lot
Radical acceptance for my existence till the end
Emptying the mind and being grateful for what I’ve got