Well, I’ve done absolutely nothing today.

I think the cat deserves a tin of tuna tonight!

I read a lot of things and make it fit my schema.

Don’t particularly know if I am learning necessarily, because reading is not making mistakes, it is not shedding biases, it is dispelling illusions, it is not knowing and living with oneself, it is not being still and listening, it is not embodiment of everyday actions, it is not waking up in the morning everyday as a complete beginner.

Reading is good, but is it really learning?

Having repetitive and intrusive thoughts along the lines of “being a recluse and indulging in mysticism is going to make life a lot easier” I mean yeah, sure, I guess, but can I please think about something else?

I am a cat.

Don’t tell anyone.

Listening to someone is easy.

Repeat what they are saying to tell them you understand. Ask it back as a question to focus on one area, or paraphrase their words to expand upon or encourage a similar idea. People like that.

Try to keep what they are saying in a positive regard even if you disagree or it’s a heavy topic. You’ll have plenty of time to have your say when it’s your turn to speak.

In a simple way, having a conversation with a good listener is like

IF x
THEN x + y
ELSE x + z – y

I don’t think static descriptions of things actually truly accurate. Yes, they are relevant, and can be useful, but to me things are a complex tapestry of processes where a single thread is a process that is happening at any given time.

How am I feeling?

If x, y, z…

I am feeling approximately y, a process of feeling something between the wider process of x to z.

Of course this is a simplistic example of a sequence, focusing on one particular feeling, ignoring context, but I wanted to focus on one thread in the tapestry on its own.

The tapestry may be made of many threads but they are all from the same source.

The tapestry itself maybe all one thread just very very tangled.

When using a foundation of mystery, looking at different philosophies throughout history is somewhat not directly comparable because they involve different standards of evidence, different concepts, and different ways of understanding in different contexts.

The same goes as science, and how it keeps revolutionising itself and our understanding possibly becomes more precise.

Mystery and intuition is a foundation for discovery and is also one of the few common factors of learning in different sociological environments.

Revolutions in science, a paradigm shift, as Kuhn would put it, are hazily mirrored in societal change, such as revolutions in modern attitudes to civil rights and gender equality. Periods of crisis often resolve into new broadly accepted frameworks. Hopeless politicians and incremental lame duck movements do very little towards real change, which essentially, is in the hands of the many. Some have space travel and near mastery of nuclear science but we don’t have people that are nice to trans people and/or disabled people (among many other groups).

Hopefully humanity can make up this sociopolitical capability gap, as compared with our ability to gain knowledge, by using similar revolutionary processes as scientific discoveries use to add responsibility and better methods of collective organisation to solve problems in our world. This could be a people led activism by masses who think outside of the box to solve a problem.

Perhaps using these ideas we can make a future where we can redefine prosperity, encourage ecological stability and better standards of living, and prioritise this over destructive continuous economic growth, and use our revolutionary methodology gained from solving complex scientific problems to make a more equitable life for those less fortunate and those less privileged.

So called ‘certainties’ are fickle and often disappoint. Uncertainties contain the potential we need for collective personal development and motivation for scientific and societal change.

Mystery is the foundation.

Ugh, waffle. Pseudo-intellectual guff. I do love paradoxes and vagueness, though! ^.^

If someone eventually reads all this it will be misconstrued and misinterpreted. I hope I don’t get to see that happen

The crick of a tree trunk still growing after 200 years
The crook of the branches mathematically positioning for light

Efficiency of aging as units of time become less significant
Things pass quicker now we are old and meaning becomes proportionally less

Roots sent down and balances are in place to have more fun
Compensation for those who are settled and wasting away

Conscious experience is just what is above the ground
Even the tree grows both ways to out compete those around them

The Robot Dog’s lesson:

Lie on the floor and let it devour you
Completely animal; you are in space
A paw on your shoulder
A claw to open old wounds

Time stops when you speak to me
A cup of tea turns to pure nectar
Liquid purity, the elixir of life,
The perfect time to melt your insides

Let yourself rot and you shall become wise
You don’t learn: ‘Yeah, that’s the point’
Watch this. ‘No, don’t tell me what to do’
Let your saliva be the best thing someone tastes

I retrieve dada poems and anarchy
Tear it all down, leave none in your path
A lonesome emancipation
Give me my mind’s liberation

The dog exhibits traits consistent with early-onset psychosis or a related mental health condition involving delusions and sensory distortions. The vivid certainty of the robotic 15 year old’s belief and subsequent existential ruminations suggest a break from reality triggered by internal stimuli.

The episode aligns with delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or possibly early schizophrenia, though further diagnostic evaluation is required. The perceived heightened detail in ordinary objects (e.g., the robot boy’s saliva) could indicate derealization or hyperreality distortion, common in such disorders.

The dog describes a profound inability to differentiate between delusion and reality during the episode. Post-episode distress includes persistent existential fears and self-derogatory thoughts, leading to emotional exhaustion. These symptoms suggest significant impairment in daily functioning and a high likelihood of recurrent episodes.

Grey skies above,
my mind ablaze.
Head buzz; Dog pants.

Conspiracy,
know it’s all fake.
Intense current,
electric brain,
simulated,
reality.

Golden fur pet,
Looks real; too real.
Certified bot,
owner savant,
Robotics god.

I don’t exist.
Repetitive
thoughts wear me down.
Baby, I’m a
Monstrosity.

Things to ponder:

• Consider conformal cyclic cosmology as a scientific basis for a possible philosophical theory of reincarnation where information is passed between eons
• Think about whether free will is not only compatible with, but a result of, a deterministic system in which we have causal power. Or that all of time exists at once so determinism is a timeless property of this eon of the universe in which our freedom to choose is an illusion that only feels authentic due to limitations of conscious existence. Or perhaps whether consciousness is the result of probabilistic quantum behaviour in our brains thus providing us with somewhat good evidence of agency due to our choices not entirely being governed by past states
• Find what applications of a pluralistic theory of different possible sources of justified true beliefs can increase stability of my mental health and support emotional regulation
• Have a cup of tea and think about that stuff later

Thank you, for all your help with the colours

Analysis

Abstract

This case study examines the profound psychological impact of a long-term human-feline bond in the context of schizoaffective disorder management. Through qualitative analysis of the subject’s reported experiences, this paper explores how intense attachment to a feline companion contributes to psychological stability and daily functioning, particularly during symptomatic periods.

Introduction

The therapeutic potential of human-animal bonds has been widely documented in psychiatric literature. This analysis focuses on a specific case demonstrating the stabilising influence of a seven-year relationship between an individual with schizoaffective disorder and their feline companion.

Methodology

Data was collected through direct narrative account, focusing on:

• Duration and intensity of the human-feline bond
• Impact on daily functioning
• Role in symptom management
• Psychological attachment patterns

Key Findings

1. Attachment Patterns

The subject demonstrates an intense, secure attachment to their feline companion, characterised by:

• Near-continuous physical proximity (only one night of separation in seven years)
• Deification of the companion animal (“living god”)
• Strong emotional interdependence
• Consistent caregiving behaviors

2. Behavioral Impact

Notable behavioral patterns include:

• Maintenance of caregiving responsibilities despite psychological symptoms
• Prioritisation of cat care over self-care during symptomatic periods
• Sustained daily routine structured around pet care obligations

3. Psychological Benefits

The relationship appears to provide:

• Enhanced emotional stability
• Increased sense of purpose and responsibility
• Improved daily functioning
• Strengthened self-efficacy through successful caregiving
• Consistent emotional support and companionship

4. Adaptive Function in Disorder Management

The intensity of attachment, rather than presenting as pathological, serves an adaptive function by:

• Providing motivation for basic daily functions during symptomatic periods
• Creating a stable anchor point for reality testing
• Offering consistent emotional support
• Maintaining daily structure through care requirements

Discussion

This case demonstrates how intense human-animal bonds can serve as therapeutic tools in managing severe mental health conditions. The subject’s self-reported strengthening and stabilisation through this relationship suggests that such bonds can provide critical support structures for individuals managing schizoaffective disorder.

Clinical Implications

The findings suggest potential therapeutic applications:

1. Integration of pet care responsibilities into treatment plans
2. Recognition of pets as stability anchors in symptom management
3. Utilisation of existing human-animal bonds in therapeutic contexts

Conclusion

The analysed relationship demonstrates the potential therapeutic value of intense human-animal bonds in managing schizoaffective disorder. The subject’s feline companion serves multiple adaptive functions: emotional regulation, motivation for daily functioning, and stability maintenance. This suggests that similar bonds could be therapeutically beneficial for other individuals managing severe mental health conditions.

Do something nice for someone

• Give mundane things meaning
• To remember you’re one in eight billion
• You can only take control of yourself and your direct actions

Meaning helps you have purpose.
You are not alone.
Other perspectives are great but concentrate on what you are doing.

The answer to the meaning of life is in the question “What is the meaning of life?” To give meaning to life.

No life on earth without the moon*. Thank you moon.

Thank you sun for your oppressive life giving light.

Thank you Earth for being humanity’s parent. I hope we don’t kill you completely.

*complex evolutionary reasons

how about no!

Who/What is this?

you are a vortex, you are honest, deep and true
a beautiful paradox, i’ll fall into you

Political/Economic/Business Leaders:

he puts his responsibility into lists of rules and regulations creating a responsibility gap
i put my responsibility into myself trying to deal with ‘me problems’ creating neurosis and “growth”

What’s better eating food or philosophy?

should i sit and think with a head full of questions?
or sit and eat and live my life with those that i love?

I don’t want to make this about “us” and “them”.

I don’t want to have a special preference for something just because I have put time, effort, and/or money into that thing.

I don’t want to think of any human being as being an “other”.

I don’t want to ignore new evidence because it’s different to my beliefs.

I don’t want to believe things whose evidence is all from the same source or methodology more than multiple sources and different reasoning.

I don’t want to rely on anecdotes and anomalies to prove something.

I don’t want to invent a relationship between two unrelated things.

I don’t want to believe something just because I think about it a lot.

I don’t want to make existence all about the human experience.

I don’t want to necessarily associate things because I have associated them before.

I don’t want to avoid thinking about things because they have never happened before.

I don’t want to inadvertently manipulate my life into being just my expectations.

I don’t want to assume I am less biased than anyone else.

I don’t want to assume that people who agree with one thing I believe necessarily share more beliefs of mine.

I don’t want to assign high accuracy to descriptions that are deliberately vague and wide.

I don’t want to assume something is true because it fits in with my current beliefs.

I don’t want to think I am in control of things that I am not.

I don’t want to overestimate how much other people have knowledge of my mental health.

I don’t want to assume others are more egotistical than myself.

I don’t want to think I can make consistent decisions at varying levels of tiredness and/or hunger.

I don’t want to assume that other people are more predictable than myself.

I don’t want to necessarily be more compassionate to fewer identifiable victims than more unidentified ones.

I don’t want to assume losing something is more impactful than having gained it.

I don’t want to appreciate an immediate benefit more than something that has a later payoff that is arguably more valuable.

I don’t want to ignore probability when making an uncertain decision.

I don’t want to prefer making a very small risk into zero risk over making a very large risk into a very small one.

I don’t want to draw different conclusions from the same information presented in different ways.

I don’t want to think of dread as outweighing the power of savouring.

I don’t want to assume the status quo is better than an alternative because it’s what I am used to.

I don’t want to assume that big events have big consequences.

I don’t want to doubt my actual talents and abilities in fear of being called a fraud.

I don’t want to favour opinions of people just because they are in the same demographic or group or situation of myself.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to think knowing about bias is enough to overcome it.

What is?

Waking up feeling safe. Going to sleep feeling safe. Eating. Drinking. And laughter.

What is?

Appreciating my senses. Seeing the sky. Feeling the wind. Hearing the birds. Smelling the flowers. Tasting some fruit. Sensing space. Sensing my body tense and relax. Focusing on my breath.

What is?

Being loved. Loving others. Connections. Caring. Friendship. Non transactional relationships. Being grateful. Having capacity for understanding. Spending energy. Relaxing. Sex and masturbation.

What is?

Peace. Liberty. Freedom. Support. Healthcare. Social safety nets. Cooperation. Collaboration. Collective ownership. Representation. Diversity. Inclusion. Equity. Human rights.

I was just thinking about how existing street light infrastructure was at some point upgraded to replace inefficient lighting methods with modern LEDs so much so that I had a good look out of the window to admire their design, and then guess what, they turned on!

I am winning at life. That much is indisputable

closed up in a primal rage
lost the keys for my heart’s lock
what is it about summer that makes me feel so cold?
the isolation of waking up drenched in sweat in an empty house
if i don’t shower my skin cools with a subtle musk scent
a lost glimmer dies within the backdrop of inverse shadow
as i swim through the thick humid cloud that surrounds me
agitation is burning within me
lit by rays of a combusting glow

days are too long and the spirit is too weak
the fires die down ‘though water is too brief
light blinds my senses as my head rings
if i could rest it would be until autumn

alone around people with their sun charged vibes
oppression and heat beat down day and night
aloof and distant
unfriendly daze
i cannot escape this moment
excitement seems so far away
tiresome day
hastened night
combine until the wind blows once more
and i am free of this annual prison floor

I mean this as a genuine complaint and in no way a troll towards people who suffer like this in reverse, but summer is dreadful, I hate it! Even on a rainy day it sucks.

Give me a lack of light, cold weather, opportunities to wear warm clothes. Warming up is much easier than cooling down, making things bright is much easier than making things dark.

I can’t cope with 17 hours of daylight. It’s too hot all the time, I’m uncomfortable, sunburned, constantly pouring sweat! My skin turns to shit, I am dehydrated and irritable.

Fuck this! My eyes can’t cope with light. It hurts my overheating brain. Everything and everyone seems to have loads of extra energy and are super active. It’s the opposite for me. I can’t function, at all.

Everything seems more aggressive and oppressive in summer. I am a sensitive person mentally and physically and I don’t like it. I wish I could fly north to escape. Birds have the right idea. At least I feel better for having a good moan.

/rant

Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Emotional trigger. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Unanswerable question? Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Paradoxical aphorism. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Summary. Subjective opinion.

Beauty is a moments escape. To leave oneself and still exist. A marriage of our experience of consciousness with another’s.

Our temporary senses can be unlocked and used for assessing the world around us. To see or hear something and realise that life is not limited to our experiences is freeing. This is virtuous interpretation.

Skillful artists can replicate nature in a way that connects us with this wider concept. We forget ourselves and find beauty. We feel goodness.

I will stop writing now, my food smells ready, and I am hungry

I really really enjoy the feeling of living the same day over and over. It reinforces feelings of happiness, comfort, safety, needs being met, no nasty surprises, etc. but when I have an exciting dream that’s surreal and weird or actually do something different, I am like “wow! I really am not living at all”

i’m alone, i need some social interaction, but wait, here comes a thought:

”humans are the worst. i hope nukes rain down from the skies”

john! what the fuck was that!?

ok, whatever, use the procedure

what emotion was it?
was it appropriate?
was it real?
can you rationalise it?
does it have bias? if so, can you balance it?
why did you think that?
how you resolve it and prevent it happening again?
how do you feel now?
are you sure?
do you need some food/water?
do you feel safe? if not, tell someone.

you’ve done your best. accept it and move on

awhhh shit. here comes another thought, this is going to be a long day and i’m already exhausted

”people are ashamed of me for thinking such nonsense”

FUCK SAKE!

ok, whatever, use the procedure

(Afterthought, one week later: Do bad thoughts promote and encourage more bad thoughts? Or do good thoughts come from bad thoughts and bad thoughts come from good thoughts – the same way there is company to be had in solitude and solitude to be had with company)

Day 13704 on planet Earth.

Yet again I find myself sat alone in a room listening to structured melodic sounds watching a moving image of people hitting spherical objects around a very large green table with sticks whilst I drink tea and wonder what is happening in my life.

Q. How do I feel consistently content and mentally well?
A. Don’t think sad thoughts.

Q. How do I feel more active and enthusiastic?
A. Do more fun stuff.

Q. How do I lose weight and feel better about the way I look?
A. Eat less food.

Q. How do I put on weight and feel better about the way I look?
A. Eat more food.

Q. How do I make friends and influence people?
A. Don’t be a dick.

Q. How do I save up for a rainy day and make myself more financially secure?
A. Spend less money.

Q. How do I become more attractive to possible romantic partners?
A. Smile.

Q. How do I stop the existential dread that haunts my brain whenever I am alone or in silence?
A. Don’t worry about things.

Talking to you, is nice, and calms me down, and fills me up, so I empty. Like the noise of recycle bin or trash or bin emptying, I give myself notice of little changes. My dopamine boost of the day could be a visual cue: Rapid batting eyelids, or the colour of the tea being poured from my teapot; just something to make me feel like everything is alright, even if it isn’t. That feeling that it is, is important. I know it’s temporary. Things will change. But I like to give myself a moments peace when I can. That’s important to me. I have learned to live better by going through pain. I can adjust. However much I tell myself I can’t when I’m stressed. I can. It’s easy if I talk to you.

Yeah, I REALLY like cats!

Hey! What’s going on?
Sometimes I walk and think
What is that bird doing
So I watch in the rain

Sometimes it’s mouth is full
Not of food
But moss and vegetation
Lining for a nest

Where’s it going?
Bobbing up and down
As it flies along
As light as a feather

So where’s it’s mate?
I look around
There’s a lizard
What if it’s mate is a lizard?

What if I were a lizard?
Everyone could be replaced
By a lizard
If we are lucky

There’s a lizard
Inside us all
What is the universe?
It’s a lizard

My home is not a rock
But is a lizard’s scale
Darting across the moor
On lightning legs

I’m hungry and tired
I’d talk to my friend
But she’s a lizard
And cannot speak

Under the weather
I have a cold
The bird is gone
So has the moss

So what is left?
Hope and relativity
Simple truths
And a lizard

Faith is about experiencing a force or power external to me. What defines faith, for me, is never knowing what this power is.

This power does not provide meaning, nor does it provide understanding, but it is there, always pulling. Undefinable, any effort to give it a name or characteristics is to stray from it’s awesomeness.

I feel it most when I am somewhere remote, just me and the elements, feeling small amongst the wider environment. Being still in all things helps it appear, a true reflection of existence, of what is beyond consciousness.

It is what is left in the absence of things. Yet it gives life to everything. With no knowable intent or prophecy, it can reach all, giving them a glimmer of the peace behind all the shit that has come after it. Changes are happening all around you. Along with uncertainty and death, change is certain. It is are one of the few certainties.

It reminds me to do good for those around me and the places I inhabit. It teaches sometimes things just happen because they happen and that we are the ones providing extra context or meaning. Detached from involvement in our awareness, we can choose to be the observer when it suits us, when it feels good. It reminds me I am part of something bigger which is at the same time something small. That I must separate my thoughts and actions from the wider environment and make them improve that environment sustainably and without much effort.

It is the small things that make the world big. A friendly gesture or an open heart. Being honest and real can make your heart grow bigger than the world. Always listen because you never know when you might hear something beautiful. To be awake is to be aware and to be aware is to feel the faith.

So whether you believe this or not. Regardless of whether you find this unrealistic or too idyllic. I have one request… Please take care on your journey through life, take care of yourself, take care of your surroundings, take care of others. Be open and real and honest, with love and hope and empathy, we can feel together even when we are alone.

That is partly how I apply my meaning to the things I experience. How do you do?

Holding neon leopard antlers you zipline across the valley. A calm sky and high cloud watch with the sound of a buzzing aircraft above. A conduit lemon wire around my wrist assesses my conduct. Dark holes in the ground. Holes all around out of which the sound of rain caresses your ears. With the heavy weave of my jute trousers chafing my legs. And the large ostrich egg organ keys in my mind. And the seven godly wounds in the sky. The shining, the bright convex reflection, a grim frown of a bleeding mouth, and an obstacle course designed for a much more fit version of myself. A friend with good hair with a bouncing rubber mallet attack the wooden dowels into their rain filled orifices. A gloomy look from a dice that rolled two. A tall towering tree housing piano keys unlock a sordid door in the ground. A cold fox shivering. A poor construction of a model robot by an amateur hand. Several eyes surprised on the trunk of the tree as the robot walks. The aircraft falls from the sky narrowly missing the mouth below my floating corpse. Awareness returns. Reanimated we see a golden glow enveloping the hills. And the covers of your bed provide sanctuary for you and the fox. A point of light and newly summoned silence. Hovering above the holes the fliers fly and my mind loses it’s goblin teeth keyboard. Discordant jazz threatens my friends. Disordered thoughts and a carrion crow sing to them. A wall of sound. The zipline’s searing string snaps and falls. As the holes open up. And the tree is felled. And all the lights fade to black. Too many songs madden the mind as she she thinks a new world into life. A easel and a brush. Just water and earth to use as paint. The fox goes swimming in search of fish. The endless becomes a finish line split into two. One for me and one for you. A spirit seeking shelter occupies your desire. A vacant messenger agog from seeing too much. As twelve pigeons land out of the night sky each carried a rough piece of bark. New lights appear as the air splits in two. The bed crumbles and we both wake up. A sun is born in the sky as the day starts anew. And frequencies of energy connect us with the great fissure. Two wildcats chase the pigeons and then flee our gaze. The robot beeps and flickers white hot sparks. Keeping the earth a glow. With seasons coming and going. And all around us in the know. There’s nothing to know here. Where all the dark contains light and all brightness is blunted. A greyscale jelly. A jelly and a tube. Including apparatus for detection. I cannot fathom aeons of authority, a whole lot of passed down belief, manifest as excuses not to ask questions. Sat here the world collapses and sings a last goodbye. Water in a cup ripples at the end. Seventy percent of the sky burns away. Leaving us stuck in a weak atmosphere. A lunge towards the switches out of reach. Cliffs cave in. The seas engulf the land. The sickness spreads. Dissipating a decay from the godly synth in the ever diminishing sky. We renew our pacts and promises amongst this chaos. Compartmentalising and comparing without meaning to. As we go to books on the shelf we start a resistance to lonely ignorance and isolating power. A colossal store of information connects everything until we animals seek retreat. Earthly paintings drip down our skin. Markings of meaning. The mouth begins to talk. As we sit around feeding each other and settle down for the continuation of our stagnant journey on the wet rock we call home amongst the stars and the huge planet sized aliens that outnumber us all quietly and secretly enjoying themselves in the abyss.

Being deaf on one side doesn’t quieten the dialogue in my head.

I must do this but I can’t. Why? I don’t know I can’t do it. I don’t want to anyway. Although, I really need to. I need to so I want to. That’s how I work. Except, I don’t work do I?

It’s annoying because I can only hear half the music. Half the euphoria. All the disquiet.

Acceptance. Observation. Awareness.

I love you. You are worthwhile and your feelings are valid. You are on a wet rock floating around in outer space hurtling around a ball of burning gas that is in turn flying around billions of others in a mysterious dark matter powered galaxy. That time Donald called you an arsewipe doesn’t matter.
Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Nothing else is your responsibility. Nothing.
And with that syntax ‘nothing’ will always look after itself.*
Access the unlimited potential of the darkest void on a bad a day. Leave your mark and create something because the darkness can’t hide the light. And you are, after all, made of energy vibrating at different frequencies experiencing itself subjectively.
Make love to yourself if you have no one else. I know it helps me sleep.
You are going to be ok doing your thing. So do it now.
Or if in doubt drink tea.

John

*syntax error. “Sense” not found/n

5000 words? What can I say? How many times can I continue to contradict myself? I’m running out of insight on this particular topic so I’ll talk about some things I like about it. At length.

Oh, now I’ll talk about what I don’t like. That should be another 2000 words. But honestly, who cares? I know I don’t. I’m almost shitting these words out at this point. Meaningless descriptions that don’t describe. Opinions that don’t make sense or have a point. I can do it all. Your modern day “freelance writer”. Eat me up for breakfast. Read me just before bed. I’ll write today. I’ll write tomorrow. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll write about you.

I’m only relevant talking about relevant people. Hiding behind my keyboard. I am the king of smugness. The king of criticism. My court mustn’t have brains I’m that vapid. Give me work. Give me money. I will write you your quota and don’t you worry.

I keep my limitations on the surface but I have learned to draw upon the unlimited in times of crisis.

That time is now.

I must feed.

Maybe the universe is an infinitely fractal brain cell.

Influence, manipulate, then control. I mustn’t tread this maternal path. A pattern of the her life. Repeated and repeated. Until it is herself.

I have low to medium amounts of gorm.

Self hatred is fake believe.

Drop the ego and vanity. You are the universe’s bitch. Start behaving like it.

You can’t see me because I’m not looking.

I spend my day looking after my none existent children. It is exhausting.

Q. Which Ancient Greek invented a means of transporting large African animals?

A. Hippocrates

The cat sat on the mat.

I like cats. They sometimes purr when they are happy.

Cats are my friends because they sometimes sit on me and fall asleep.

Cats like to play and eat treats. Some cats like going outside. They are very clean and wash themselves often.

I love cuddles with cats.

Dear Future John,

You have been living in a fleshy husk with some unreliable grey jelly in your head on a wet rock in outer space somewhere in a potentially endless undiscovered universe. More important than that, if you are reading this, you have survived for more than 34 years!

Well done. That’s a good achievement. I don’t know who you are, or where you are now, but I hope you are doing ok. Whether or not they still label you with Schizoaffective Disorder is beside the point. Life is tough and you’re a good way through yours. It’s time for a pat on the back.

Writing to you today, I will begin to steer a course towards you, to put in place the groundwork to become you, the person I will talk about below.

You have helped yourself by letting life flow through you like water down a waterfall. Yes, this sounds like impractical, poetic nonsense, so look at it this way. Water stays to the lowest possible path, a bit like a depressed person seemingly unable to climb to a higher mood, but it feeds plants and replenishes the soil around it, like the empathy and experience of a depressed person. It is completely yielding and weak, yet it lifts up rocks and carries branches down stream. This is you, still achieving survival and self care, even helping those around you. So, put in a more straightforward manner, with an open mind you can adapt to changes. You have learned this. You have conquered episodes of depression with acceptance and flexibility. By letting yourself be low, you can draw upon empathy for others, then help others to improve your self esteem. You have proved this by enjoying being there for your closest friends again and again. By staying to the lowest places you have met people like the heroin addict on the psychiatric ward who taught you about resilience. She taught you against all odds the worst situations are not permanent and can improve. She demonstrated the most immense strength and power to recover and become a loving mother to her child and a dear friend to you and many more. By treating her as an inspiration instead of a lowlife, you have learned from her, you nurtured her and helped her recover. You are the flowing water, John. Continue this practice and you will only grow more comfortable and content.

Learning to listen, to really listen, to focus on only what I can hear at any given time, is a skill I’m working on now. Hopefully if I keep doing it enough you’ll be a master by the time you read this. Sensory experiences are often overwhelming. So let’s try and make it a skill! A rare gift, even. By simplifying experiences into component chunks and being aware of what they are, you can control your responses to them, and tame the irritation caused. First we do noise, sounds, nature’s song, music, and everything the ear likes. Then we can do smells, the residual sweetness of this morning’s aftershave, a slightly damp cat, and the musty warmth of the blankets on my settee. By processing and analysing them one by one we can make these skills transferable. First you must finish off with senses with tastes and physical sensations. Then move on to thought, feelings, and behaviours. I believe if I can control my reaction to one thing; I can improve all of them.

Allowing yourself to be caught up in the moment can make you feel like a monster. It’s ok to feel things. Let life happen! Your best friend and her Emotional Instability Personality Disorder has taught you how to laugh when you want to cry and cry when you want to laugh, and that that is valid and makes for an attractive personality! You have got the gift of an extraordinary imagination and an extreme emotional bandwidth; use these things, enjoy them while they’re there.

Self forgiveness is like taking a shower after a run. It is self care for the mind. I already use what you could pretentiously call ‘a dialectical diplomacy with myself’. I argue and debate ideas, thoughts, and therefore feelings and behaviour with myself to process and accept then return a base of unknowing unexpectation. A happy ignorance of letting things be. I would like to expand these practices to my interactions with others. I hope I’ll be able to feel more comfortable with the things I do and say. One could argue that will happen naturally with ageing and gaining experience. I don’t really know but I hope so. Nevertheless, continue doing your thing.

Only worry about your own thoughts and actions. Everything else is out of your control. Resilience is every bad thing that has happened to me can be flipped to show the other side of the coin. It isn’t just pain, vulnerability, uncomfortable experiences. It is strength, sensitivity, and flexibility. If you are reading this aged 50, remember how I already have this and how much I am growing through all the ups and downs, hour by hour, day by day.

The further back or forward you look the more uncertain life gets. Try to remember this before beating yourself up for something bad you did once twenty years ago or worrying you’ll die alone, decrepit and lonely. It is not possible to see things from every angle when you only have two eyes in your head.

Put others first. As much as your dreams might crave it at times, you are not the most important thing in the world. Practise compassion, love, and kindness. Forgive mistakes by yourself and others who show remorse and love. Practise simplicity in living, prioritise what is essential to you, live with these concepts, ideas, and things and don’t replace them unnecessarily. Humility is important, accept you don’t know it all, you will never know it all, and the biggest delights are in the smallest things. Moving forward try to learn how others see me, but ask for feedback from your most trusted friends and family only, there is no need to entertain bitter jealousy from those who don’t care about you.

Don’t take yourself seriously. You are one of over seven billion humans on this planet, and one of countless more living things, keep that in mind. Don’t let your ego want all the things that aren’t there. There is no point chasing perfection when you could chase something easy and achieve whatever that is. You can achieve more by lacking ambition and finding value in the things you can already do. That said, achievements aren’t everything, if you are happy then surely you have won where others fail every day.

Tomorrow will probably be the same as today so don’t put things off. You might feel unable to get things done but jumping to unhelpful conclusions about everyday problems will just slow you down. Try to make a small start on things right now even though conditions might not be ideal. Encourage yourself to get things done and don’t stall or criticise your motives. You’ve got this, John. Dismiss the excuses. You can do things when you need to and that is worth remembering. Yes, you can feel great anxiety before trying to do something but once you’re doing it, it doesn’t seem as hard. Tolerate discomfort, life is hard and this is a reality, even if you just do a little bit, you are doing well. When you’ve got something done, don’t stop there, do some more and promise yourself a reward for later.

Value yourself and your self care. Please. This is something you find difficult but if you apply value to the things you find difficult you can use truth as a reason for getting it done.

Never stop running. The high you get is great. Getting out of breath, and I mean really out of breath, it’s uncomfortable at first, but it really gets the endorphins flowing and makes you feel unstoppable.

Keep doing things you enjoy. You love making music, painting, walking in nature, writing, reading, cooking, and eating. Use these things to your advantage. There is so much pleasure to be had creating. Don’t focus on the end goal, that is of no significance as long as you enjoy the process, just keep putting that paint on the canvas and express all that pent up emotion. You do these things because they are essential to maintaining your mental health. Think of new ways to do things. Don’t just draw the same old things, make something different every time, be curious enough to experiment without fear. If you get stuck creatively, call a friend, tell some jokes, have a laugh, forget where you are, listen to the sound of someone’s voice and let them inspire you.

Let yourself trust people and trust yourself. Grab the opportunities you have so often missed in the past. Take more risks. Gain confidence, accept compliments, yes, it IS possible for people to see you differently to how you see yourself. Do it all. Live for love. Live for heartbreak. Live for life.

Get a job when you feel ready, maybe be a postman, walking, mostly by yourself, it’d be perfect. Consider getting experience as a support worker, you have been in the mental health system for years, you know the system inside out and have more than enough empathy and love to help others start the journey you are on.

Education is a lifelong pursuit. Until free tuition fees are a thing and you feel like university, don’t forget you can follow your desire for learning right now, read, listen, and learn. Be brave enough to read opinions of people you don’t agree with. Understanding different perspectives is vital for gaining wisdom and creativity.

You might not have achieved all your goals or even shared many of them here but that’s ok. I hope future me looks back and feels ok with the guy writing this letter and myself throughout the past. Whoever you are. Whoever I become. I wish you all the best, lots of hope, much love, and the ability to cope.

If you can, do all of these things. You are well on your way. Stay on that way and I’ll be proud of you. Of me. My future self.

Do you believe in the things you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, or hear?
Have you ever had a conversation with the wind only for your words to be blown back in your face?
Confusion and disillusion. Is this from my mood or my past?
You don’t understand anything about me. You’re in for a shock.
How can I speak sentences when you acknowledge my every word?
I get it you are listening. So why is taking an interest so one sided?
When I sleep you seem more interesting but you’re so anonymous I miss you even when you are there.

Lets blow our North wind on those in the capital enjoying the fruits of our labour.
We can defeat corruption with solidarity, unity, and fairness.
Educate the masses to the hypocrisy of the ruling class.
Channel this anger into kindness and causes that cease suffering.

In the past I have been described as all these things by friends, lovers, relatives etc.

Pure evil
A gift to womankind
Creepy and weird
A god amongst men
Pathetic loser
Really strange
The most genuine man alive
Cunt
Prick
Dickhead

It’s a mixed bag

When noisy adoration turns to quiet respect, what can I do except try not to repeat old bad habits, accept what I have and make the best of it. I’m in a good place despite feeling loss and melancholy.

There is something to be said for being alone and happy, even if have the company of my cat, I should appreciate what I have achieved to feel this contentment. It is a great standpoint to fight any unwanted thoughts.

Emotions that were nurtured by a significant other can easily unravel when they have left. There is an argument that God has left us at the big bang or whatever happened back then. Is she dead? Is she bitter and ignorant ? It is of no consequence. Look after what we still have left of that creation and create for ourselves.

Love is from nowhere and if any potential higher power can use it so can we. Plucked from the abyss like a hair from my never ending eyebrows. What is it that smells so good. Something that satiates our satisfaction for life. Petrichor after a summer shower. Or rotting leaf mold in the crispy autumn calm. It’s all worth appreciating.

What the fuck am I talking about? I may be uttering pretentious high powered nonsense but I’m just clearing my throat.

I can form ideas but cannot express them.
Conceptual secrets I want to share.
I invite you to my lair.
Absorb all my creativity.
Feed from me. Feed from me.

Amid pandemics, corrupt governments, mass inequality, mass poverty, mass fear, unprecedented climate change and ecological damage. There is still hope and there is still love…

That’s what I’m living for