All posts by john

Learning to read

Rants

I read a lot of things and make it fit my schema.

Don’t particularly know if I am learning necessarily, because reading is not making mistakes, it is not shedding biases, it is dispelling illusions, it is not knowing and living with oneself, it is not being still and listening, it is not embodiment of everyday actions, it is not waking up in the morning everyday as a complete beginner.

Reading is good, but is it really learning?

I just want to sleep

Rants

Having repetitive and intrusive thoughts along the lines of “being a recluse and indulging in mysticism is going to make life a lot easier” I mean yeah, sure, I guess, but can I please think about something else?

A Sunday

Poems

Sometimes I am tired so I dance like a Tiger’s cheerleader
Then I look outside and realise I’ve not filled the bird feeder
So I stop dancing and fill it up right to the brim
Now I’m covered in rain and my clothes don’t look so trim
Then I remember I’ve got to drill holes and put up some hooks
So I go and do that quickly and forget about my looks

Now I’m sat at the computer writing about all today’s things

n+1

Poems

Sat
Clocks tick,
Time is still,
We are the ones
advancing through time.

Take a breath, quietly.
Let the world turn, let it fly.
Space is always going to be there,
The sun continues burning at night.

The Wait

Poems

Anticipation of grief
Faulty hearts passed down the tree

The weight of a lifetime relationship still
Bracing my shoulders as I sit and remain

Vigilantly apprehensive
I am sat waiting for the guilt

All the things I never said
Everything we never did

What can I do sat quietly as the clock ticks?
Tell you both I love you unconditionally

Temperature Journey

Poems

Walk through the trees until you reach the moors.

Brown bark rough
A black dog follows you
Snow soft crunch
The white cat is leaving you

Ice, not just broken, but shattered
Tired, space to melt, then evaporate

Let’s let off some steam

Conversation 1.3.42

Rants

Listening to someone is easy.

Repeat what they are saying to tell them you understand. Ask it back as a question to focus on one area, or paraphrase their words to expand upon or encourage a similar idea. People like that.

Try to keep what they are saying in a positive regard even if you disagree or it’s a heavy topic. You’ll have plenty of time to have your say when it’s your turn to speak.

In a simple way, having a conversation with a good listener is like

IF x
THEN x + y
ELSE x + z – y

Probabilistic Processes vs Deterministic Material

Rants

I don’t think static descriptions of things actually truly accurate. Yes, they are relevant, and can be useful, but to me things are a complex tapestry of processes where a single thread is a process that is happening at any given time.

How am I feeling?

If x, y, z…

I am feeling approximately y, a process of feeling something between the wider process of x to z.

Of course this is a simplistic example of a sequence, focusing on one particular feeling, ignoring context, but I wanted to focus on one thread in the tapestry on its own.

The tapestry may be made of many threads but they are all from the same source.

The tapestry itself maybe all one thread just very very tangled.

Some nonsense waffle making

Rants

When using a foundation of mystery, looking at different philosophies throughout history is somewhat not directly comparable because they involve different standards of evidence, different concepts, and different ways of understanding in different contexts.

The same goes as science, and how it keeps revolutionising itself and our understanding possibly becomes more precise.

Mystery and intuition is a foundation for discovery and is also one of the few common factors of learning in different sociological environments.

Revolutions in science, a paradigm shift, as Kuhn would put it, are hazily mirrored in societal change, such as revolutions in modern attitudes to civil rights and gender equality. Periods of crisis often resolve into new broadly accepted frameworks. Hopeless politicians and incremental lame duck movements do very little towards real change, which essentially, is in the hands of the many. Some have space travel and near mastery of nuclear science but we don’t have people that are nice to trans people and/or disabled people (among many other groups).

Hopefully humanity can make up this sociopolitical capability gap, as compared with our ability to gain knowledge, by using similar revolutionary processes as scientific discoveries use to add responsibility and better methods of collective organisation to solve problems in our world. This could be a people led activism by masses who think outside of the box to solve a problem.

Perhaps using these ideas we can make a future where we can redefine prosperity, encourage ecological stability and better standards of living, and prioritise this over destructive continuous economic growth, and use our revolutionary methodology gained from solving complex scientific problems to make a more equitable life for those less fortunate and those less privileged.

So called ‘certainties’ are fickle and often disappoint. Uncertainties contain the potential we need for collective personal development and motivation for scientific and societal change.

Mystery is the foundation.

Ugh, waffle. Pseudo-intellectual guff. I do love paradoxes and vagueness, though! ^.^

An old tree

Rants

The crick of a tree trunk still growing after 200 years
The crook of the branches mathematically positioning for light

Efficiency of aging as units of time become less significant
Things pass quicker now we are old and meaning becomes proportionally less

Roots sent down and balances are in place to have more fun
Compensation for those who are settled and wasting away

Conscious experience is just what is above the ground
Even the tree grows both ways to out compete those around them

Robot Dog Collection

hidden, Poem Collections

Aged around 15 I looked the window and saw a man and van across the road
I heard a voice that possessed me to go outside
So I went outside and saw a large, slobbering, golden retriever in the passenger seat
I asked the man if I could look at the dog, He said ‘Yes, go ahead’
I had never seen the like of such, a robot dog that looked real
I saw it’s saliva dripping off it’s teeth, stained partly yellow with a slight decay
Each hair was individually realised in their own way, part of something greater
It’s eyes looked alive with a lifetime of experiences shining through them
I think the man must have been a genius, possibly the cleverest person alive
Such was the attention to detail in every aspect of the dog
It was uncanny, how this dog could be robot, I certainly realised that day, the power of technology
My mind blown, I returned home, and thought about if that robot dog exists, what other incredible things exist

——

A man and a van ’cross the road I did see,
A voice in my mind said, ‘Go out, you are free!’
I stepped out to spy what the world had in store,
A slobbering dog sat, immense, at the door.
It’s fur was so golden, it’s teeth stained with age,
The slobber fell off, like a scene from a stage.
I asked, ‘May I see it?’ The man gave a nod,
And what I beheld was no work of a god.
Each hair seemed so real, every strand had its place,
It’s eyes told of lifetimes; a deep, living grace.
But this was no beast, though alive it did seem,
A robot! The like only built in a dream.
The man, surely genius, the cleverest one,
Had crafted a dog that shone bright as the sun.
I turned back in awe, mind abuzz with the thought:
If such things can live, what else might be wrought?

——

Grey skies above,
my mind ablaze.
Head buzz; Dog pants.

Conspiracy,
know it’s all fake.
Intense current,
electric brain,
simulated,
reality.

Golden fur pet,
Looks real; too real.
Certified bot,
owner savant,
Robotics god.

I don’t exist.
Repetitive
thoughts wear me down.
Baby, I’m a
monstrosity.

——

The dog exhibits traits consistent with early-onset psychosis or a related mental health condition involving delusions and sensory distortions. The vivid certainty of the robotic 15 year old’s belief and subsequent existential ruminations suggest a break from reality triggered by internal stimuli.

The episode aligns with delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or possibly early schizophrenia, though further diagnostic evaluation is required. The perceived heightened detail in ordinary objects (e.g., the robot boy’s saliva) could indicate derealization or hyperreality distortion, common in such disorders.

The dog describes a profound inability to differentiate between delusion and reality during the episode. Post-episode distress includes persistent existential fears and self-derogatory thoughts, leading to emotional exhaustion. These symptoms suggest significant impairment in daily functioning and a high likelihood of recurrent episodes.

——

The Robot Dog’s lesson:

Lie on the floor and let it devour you
Completely animal; you are in space
A paw on your shoulder
A claw to open old wounds

Time stops when you speak to me
A cup of tea turns to pure nectar
Liquid purity, the elixir of life,
The perfect time to melt your insides

Let yourself rot and you shall become wise
You don’t learn: ‘Yeah, that’s the point’
Watch this. ‘No, don’t tell me what to do’
Let your saliva be the best thing someone tastes

I retrieve dada poems and anarchy
Tear it all down, leave none in your path
A lonesome emancipation
Give me my mind’s liberation

The Robot Dog 5

Rants

The Robot Dog’s lesson:

Lie on the floor and let it devour you
Completely animal; you are in space
A paw on your shoulder
A claw to open old wounds

Time stops when you speak to me
A cup of tea turns to pure nectar
Liquid purity, the elixir of life,
The perfect time to melt your insides

Let yourself rot and you shall become wise
You don’t learn: ‘Yeah, that’s the point’
Watch this. ‘No, don’t tell me what to do’
Let your saliva be the best thing someone tastes

I retrieve dada poems and anarchy
Tear it all down, leave none in your path
A lonesome emancipation
Give me my mind’s liberation

The Robot Dog 4

Rants

The dog exhibits traits consistent with early-onset psychosis or a related mental health condition involving delusions and sensory distortions. The vivid certainty of the robotic 15 year old’s belief and subsequent existential ruminations suggest a break from reality triggered by internal stimuli.

The episode aligns with delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or possibly early schizophrenia, though further diagnostic evaluation is required. The perceived heightened detail in ordinary objects (e.g., the robot boy’s saliva) could indicate derealization or hyperreality distortion, common in such disorders.

The dog describes a profound inability to differentiate between delusion and reality during the episode. Post-episode distress includes persistent existential fears and self-derogatory thoughts, leading to emotional exhaustion. These symptoms suggest significant impairment in daily functioning and a high likelihood of recurrent episodes.

The Robot Dog 3

Rants

Grey skies above,
my mind ablaze.
Head buzz; Dog pants.

Conspiracy,
know it’s all fake.
Intense current,
electric brain,
simulated,
reality.

Golden fur pet,
Looks real; too real.
Certified bot,
owner savant,
Robotics god.

I don’t exist.
Repetitive
thoughts wear me down.
Baby, I’m a
Monstrosity.

The Robot Dog 2

Poems

A man and a van ’cross the road I did see,
A voice in my mind said, ‘Go out, you are free!’
I stepped out to spy what the world had in store,

A slobbering dog sat, immense, at the door.
It’s fur was so golden, it’s teeth stained with age,
The slobber fell off, like a scene from a stage.

I asked, ‘May I see it?’ The man gave a nod,
And what I beheld was no work of a god.
Each hair seemed so real, every strand had its place,

It’s eyes told of lifetimes; a deep, living grace.
But this was no beast, though alive it did seem,
A robot! The like only built in a dream.

The man, surely genius, the cleverest one,
Had crafted a dog that shone bright as the sun.
I turned back in awe, mind abuzz with the thought:

If such things can live, what else might be wrought?

The Robot Dog

Rants, Stories

Aged around 15 I looked the window and saw a man and van across the road
I heard a voice that possessed me to go outside
So I went outside and saw a large, slobbering, golden retriever in the passenger seat
I asked the man if I could look at the dog, He said ‘Yes, go ahead’
I had never seen the like of such, a robot dog that looked real
I saw it’s saliva dripping off it’s teeth, stained partly yellow with a slight decay
Each hair was individually realised in their own way, part of something greater
It’s eyes looked alive with a lifetime of experiences shining through them
I think the man must have been a genius, possibly the cleverest person alive
Such was the attention to detail in every aspect of the dog
It was uncanny, how this dog could be robot, I certainly realised that day, the power of technology
My mind blown, I returned home, and thought about if that robot dog exists, what other incredible things exist

Blue Food

Poems, Rants

Orange peel on the counter top
How long has been since I saw the sea?
Deep blue expanse puppet of the moon
My heart between warm oranges and reds
And cool blues like an old guitar tune
A fruit salad could pick me up

That’s pudding sorted for tea tonight
Heat and light from the oven glows up the kitchen
The taste of comfort as we enter winter’s embrace
Gather round and enjoy food with me
Colour me full, I’m stuffed, satisfied

Sounds of cheer paint the room orange
Splats of spilt curry paint the floor
The moon has a blue tinge through the cloud
Food is energy for life’s troubles and tricks
Pull the peel of your problems and let’s eat

Bunch Of Words

Poems

twisted branches
hazelnuts
teapot dances
pouring out
avalanches
risk chances
snowfall
grey clouds
advances
towering
in the sky
horse and lances
charging
electricity
enhances
trees trench
roots grasp
clinging to
circumstances

 

8 Forgotten Fragments

Poems, Rants

What’s the noodle you are sucking out that tangle of thoughts?
Why are you counting each grain of rice in the bowl?
Eat when you’re hungry, mindful necessity.
Analysis of calories and nutrients, an obsessive mindfuck.

Only option is for disaster, everything for you leads to pain
Crisis after crisis, unending cycles, nothing but tiresome shame
Reward your good decisions, your plans for coping get used
Indigo clouds and brightly coloured dragonflies look on, confused

A cup of tea warms the empty
Tugging me back to earth
My favourite thing approaching forty
Trying to feel my worth

Send me a message
Don’t be a stranger
I’m not obsessive
Share what pains yer

Colonoscopy DNA editing
Gut biome discovered
Sixty minutes waiting and waiting
Constipation recovered

A bee stuck in glue placed by a menacing child
The call of the cuckoo across the rain-soaked valley
Sheltering insects wait out the storm
Only to cry tears of silk and light

A claw reached into my pocket
Looking for a treat
Fur from my pet in a locket
Give it something to eat

Crash wack-a-doodle!
Up jumped the moon
Said ‘You’ve got nothing to lose-el.
You big stupid baffoon!’

Words For November 2024

Poems, Rants

Teeth jagged carving fruit for superior digestion
Rot ridden harvest this year’s misbehaving endowment

The bleak, the blunt, the misfiring error
The hard, the strong, the confident disaster

Uncanny grapefruit drink making me sleepy
Intrusive enzyme kink taking the spirit

Lasting acorn supply
Doubtin’ forlorn magpie

Father muster your energy

I need you to stay alive

Burn’d Out Too Brightly

Poems

Casio VL-Tone, sings in’t room
She plays keys, to mourn loss of her friend
Died too young she burn’d out too brightly
There’s a star out there but down on earth
Her lips curl’d, at the ends, a slight smile
Her face static, always a fix’d grin
It helps her, she feels good, quick to laugh
Remember them who liv’d far too fast
Positive to take time for yourself
Preventing a repeat episode
Push your heart never end before time
Make sure others don’t burn out; give them hope

Using long words and being smelly

Rants

Things to ponder:

  • Consider conformal cyclic cosmology as a scientific basis for a possible philosophical theory of reincarnation where information is passed between eons
  • Think about whether free will is not only compatible with, but a result of, a deterministic system in which we have causal power. Or that all of time exists at once so determinism is a timeless property of this eon of the universe in which our freedom to choose is an illusion that only feels authentic due to limitations of conscious existence. Or perhaps whether consciousness is the result of probabilistic quantum behaviour in our brains thus providing us with somewhat good evidence of agency due to our choices not entirely being governed by past states
  • Find what applications of a pluralistic theory of different possible sources of justified true beliefs can increase stability of my mental health and support emotional regulation
  • Have a cup of tea and think about that stuff later

How can I help?

Poems

Ask me once, I’ll do my best, again,
Ask me twice, I’ll take my rest, once more,
Ask me thrice, do it yourself, I’m done.

What is fun, is to help, to guide you.
What is done, is to listen, reflect.
What you find, is the mirror, yourself.

I’ll feed you, fill your mouth, for some peace,
From requests, and problems, I take home.
What is posed, a question, distraction.

Full of food, you complete your desires,
Turning in, you sleep sound, in silence,
Wrapped up, you’ll do your best, again

Black Cat

Poems

When a cat slips through night like a breeze,
With a pounce, it can land where it please.
Softly stalking its prey, it will creep,
Then it leaps with a bound, never cheap.
On the roof, it can balance with grace,
As it runs, it will set such a pace.
With a flick of its tail, it’s away,
Like a shadow that hides from the day.

Feed me

Poems

As they prowl and they pounce and they leap
With their tails in the air as they sway
Till they curl up at last for to sleep
In the morn when the sun starts to rise
They demand that their breakfast appear
With their soft little mews and their cries
Till you finally give in my dear

The Therapeutic Role of Feline Companionship in Managing Schizoaffective Disorder: A Case Study

Rants

Analysis

Abstract

This case study examines the profound psychological impact of a long-term human-feline bond in the context of schizoaffective disorder management. Through qualitative analysis of the subject’s reported experiences, this paper explores how intense attachment to a feline companion contributes to psychological stability and daily functioning, particularly during symptomatic periods.

Introduction

The therapeutic potential of human-animal bonds has been widely documented in psychiatric literature. This analysis focuses on a specific case demonstrating the stabilising influence of a seven-year relationship between an individual with schizoaffective disorder and their feline companion.

Methodology

Data was collected through direct narrative account, focusing on:

  • Duration and intensity of the human-feline bond
  • Impact on daily functioning
  • Role in symptom management
  • Psychological attachment patterns

Key Findings

1. Attachment Patterns

The subject demonstrates an intense, secure attachment to their feline companion, characterised by:

  • Near-continuous physical proximity (only one night of separation in seven years)
  • Deification of the companion animal (“living god”)
  • Strong emotional interdependence
  • Consistent caregiving behaviors

2. Behavioral Impact

Notable behavioral patterns include:

  • Maintenance of caregiving responsibilities despite psychological symptoms
  • Prioritisation of cat care over self-care during symptomatic periods
  • Sustained daily routine structured around pet care obligations

3. Psychological Benefits

The relationship appears to provide:

  • Enhanced emotional stability
  • Increased sense of purpose and responsibility
  • Improved daily functioning
  • Strengthened self-efficacy through successful caregiving
  • Consistent emotional support and companionship

4. Adaptive Function in Disorder Management

The intensity of attachment, rather than presenting as pathological, serves an adaptive function by:

  • Providing motivation for basic daily functions during symptomatic periods
  • Creating a stable anchor point for reality testing
  • Offering consistent emotional support
  • Maintaining daily structure through care requirements

Discussion

This case demonstrates how intense human-animal bonds can serve as therapeutic tools in managing severe mental health conditions. The subject’s self-reported strengthening and stabilisation through this relationship suggests that such bonds can provide critical support structures for individuals managing schizoaffective disorder.

Clinical Implications

The findings suggest potential therapeutic applications:

  1. Integration of pet care responsibilities into treatment plans
  2. Recognition of pets as stability anchors in symptom management
  3. Utilisation of existing human-animal bonds in therapeutic contexts

Conclusion

The analysed relationship demonstrates the potential therapeutic value of intense human-animal bonds in managing schizoaffective disorder. The subject’s feline companion serves multiple adaptive functions: emotional regulation, motivation for daily functioning, and stability maintenance. This suggests that similar bonds could be therapeutically beneficial for other individuals managing severe mental health conditions.

Yield, unbroken source of chaos

Poems

Through the Dao flows the Way, ever still,
In its calm, find the strength of it’s will.
Yield to life, and the world will align,
Like the water that helps undermine.
In the silence, the answer is clear:
Live with peace, and the Dao will draw near.

Dove Soap

Poems

My stomach is playing up on me
I need something to stop it repeating
Maybe a cup of peppermint tea
Technically tisane but who’s counting

Let me carry around my childhood toy
I’ll give it to you when we first meet
Trusting that you’ll protect my youthful joy
And keep me in mind when you retreat

How are these feelings of body and mind
Connected in one special animal’s love
To view myself as a beloved pet is kind
Sending my entire self a peace seeking dove

A list of things to do

Poems, Rants

Add tinkling of reverberating bells
Hold me over a bowl of steaming curry
Chick peas
Oven gloves
Snot sneezed into my elbow
Infected jumper for the wash
Reflexes
Caught a cold
Wash up the dishes
A bath for my hands
Birthday wishes
From faraway lands
Coupled with unrealistic dreams
And benefits for my friends
Offering nothing
Nothing but silence
And a pack of tarot cards
Never opened
Never researched
The regret and the nigh time memories
Anguish constantly being put back to the back of my mind
A haunting flute above an orchestra
Sounds pure and sweet in front of strings
But breathy and imprecise on its own
Gone are the days of wandering alone
What will get me out of my door
Recharge the battery
Of my spirit and soul

The Cold Escape

Poems

Wearing next to nothing
End this cold suffering
My head beating like drums
Caught up in urban noise
Send me away from buzz
Breathing in the free air
In deep calm walking those
Final steps sending me
Back to the beginning

Three Ways To One Goal

Rants
  • Give mundane things meaning
  • To remember you’re one in eight billion
  • You can only take control of yourself and your direct actions

Meaning helps you have purpose.
You are not alone.
Other perspectives are great but concentrate on what you are doing.

The answer to the meaning of life is in the question “What is the meaning of life?” To give meaning to life.

Emergency Nightmare Tea

Poems

In the dark of your mind where the tick
Takes up rest, and the sun never shines,
There’s a sound to be heard that echoes
And echoes, the drum hits, the bang bangs!
So you rest, and you sleep, dreaming death.
You can’t wake, no escape, trapped tight
Under cloth, over pillows, you stir.
Making tea, making tea, making tea.

Big Moor

Poems

When tha walks o’er the moor, and the deer run away,
Wi’ the heath under foot, and the sky looms so grey,
Tha hears in the distance the curlew’s lone cry,
Wi’ the bracken and heather all brown ’neath the sky.
The rain starts to fall, like a drum on the stone,
And the moor feels as old as time all alone.

Why?

Poems

Right now the world is ending
For some one trapped in war
A new beginning is happening
For a child just being born

Both are screaming for their life
At either end of a spectrum
United by some strife
And hope where they can find some

An opportunity comes
To give purpose and meaning
So if you are picking the crumbs
Take pride in that spring cleaning

Time plays a changing tune
Do we forget the dance
Understood by the moon
You can take your chance

Oral Hygiene

Poems, Rants

Chattering in the frozen breeze that killed my uncle
They have said some awful things
But they’ve been there for those that I love
Always balanced in greyscale morality
I save time for my faithful replacement
Just wooden teeth

You make me smile sometimes
When my face hasn’t felt movement
You are there
You make me want to show everything I have
When I haven’t done everything I could have
You remind me to show
My just wooden teeth

Take a moment to just reflect
Sometimes there is no need to respond
A flash of anger is well expressed
Through a creative outlet
Think about if what you want to say is what you mean
Carve out answers in experience not in yourself
With your just wooden teeth

What is it like in space?
Well you should already know
You are on Earth surrounded by a great expanse
With the courage of eight billion
You are not alone
Even if you lost it all and all you have is
Just wooden teeth

Family doesn’t last forever
So I use tools to compile a useful collection
A bunch of people trying to do what they can
When the world is ending inside their minds
I send controlled and pitched air to their ears
Through my just wooden teeth

Heavy Metal Lyrics

Songs

Gather ye minions
For thou shalt perish
Strangled by angry swans
Thine nightmare cherish

EAT TREE MEAT!
TURN TO DUST!
BRAND THY FEET!
SHIT OUT RUST!

SQUEEEEEEAAAAAL!

I will turn thy mind on a spit
Bleach and rinse and recycle it
I can dance forever on your grave
Wash your eyes with acid and recommit!

EAT TREE MEAT!
TURN TO DUST!
BRAND THY FEET!
SHIT OUT RUST!

SQUEEEEEEAAAAAL!

Forsaken undying
Impeach my wisdom
Rope set for tying
Vacuous system

The bell doth toll in your darkest hour
Your victims scream in vile blood shower
Incriminate power you total dingbat
Dialectic failure from father who begat

EAT TREE MEAT!
TURN TO DUST!
BRAND THY FEET!
SHIT OUT RUST!

SQUEEEEEEAAAAAL!

Eat my arse you absolute toenail
You are a farce you utter door handle

My Grain

Poems

head buzz, )!#^=¥
bones..}\+ bang—-/
siren scream]]]]]~<
alarms cry;;;;;( on ,,,& on

thud’’’€ fuck i hit my &@£$%}+ head
throb—:::( pulse” pain)({{{..,,
lights burn%%*%
mind;;; swirls~~~~

aura cage[][][]
instant rage////&ӣ
nights in }{^^^^^
lights dim•

Limited Vocabulary

Poems

Waves crash, waves rise,
Hearts drift, hearts collide.
Sun fades, sun returns,
Over water, time burns.

Dreams whisper, softly speak,
Dreams linger, softly seek.
Hearts breathe, waves still call,
Over water, time stands tall.

Call waves, call hearts, sun burns, seek water,
Speak over, softly breathe, rise dreams, waves water.

Still time, water seek,
Softly call, whisper speak,
Water drift, dreams return,
Waves collide, over burns.

Tall hearts, tall dreams, whisper water, hearts speak,
Over water, over sun, still breathe, still seek.

ghost cat

Stories

i was a timy little moth weaving and bobbing around the toes of a giant walking monolith, a hotchpotch of luscious pink sweaty skin, and dirty grease strained fabrics where I could nestle my feet between the stitches. there was a huge gravity to these enormous moving structures apparently so slow and imprecise

no weight has ever been bigger when i was flying around not just one, but three of huge goliaths, when a huge thunderous roar crashed down along with the ceiling and everything around me, sending a blast of air that cast me out of the window

only to discover i had been eight floors up in the sky my entire life. in a seemingly endless expanse above a burning city, it is then, from all the shock, and all the instant onset trauma from the blast, that i saw it, my mind heavy from the huge explosion, i was hallucinating a spirit that pierced the very clouds themselves, a literal bridge between heaven and earth, a ghost cat the size of ten mountains, with fucking laser vision or something, i could feel it burning through my soul. Was this it, was this the light at the end of tunnel, had my time come?

i flew towards this god-like being with all the ecstasy pulsing up through me from the depths of my lowest low, it glowed brighter and brighter, the burning within me and the power of this god started to unite and become one force, it felt like lifetimes were passing in front of my eyes, this WAS it, my time, now the cat’s light permeated through my entire existence, it was here, i was meeting my maker, and then suddenly..

*clunk*

fucking streetlight, wasn’t it!


bad soup

Poems

i can see green bits in my soup
there’s mush and crunch
slop and water mixed together
grainy texture
stringy abrasive teeth itchers

it’s a bit hot to really taste
but it’s here now and impolite to leave
don’t get me wrong
i want to go
this soup is really bad

string bean

Poems

babe, wake up
IT’S TIME TO EAT!

garlic stem whiplash
chop those onions
shed those tears
shed those tears all over town

i have a huge knife
chopping chillis
don’t rub your eyes
these are spicy

splash!
sizzle!
fry!

i have been
in the kitchen
all day long
FUCKING ENJOY IT!

Mooncakes

Stories

Story time: Yesterday my friend ZiFan wished me a happy mooncake day. So I wanted to wish the same to the couple at my local Chinese takeaway: Hot Kitchen, but yesterday was their day off. So instead I went earlier this evening, when I got there and ordered my meal they looked tired and miserable but that was all to change.

There was a young and glamorous Eastern European woman collecting an order in front of me. She seemed polite but somewhat distracted, as though she hadn’t eaten all day. The woman from the couple behind the counter cooking and serving seemed exhausted.

As the Eastern European woman left with her food. I mustered some confidence said loudly “hope you had a happy mooncake day yesterday!” and suddenly, as though a switch had flicked, both staff had huge smiles!

In shock, unable to hide their joy, the woman replied “HOW DO YOU KNOW!!!!??”

The guy was busy cooking but briefly paused to whisper something to the her in her ear.

Then she asked me if I had “ever tried a moon cake?”

I said “no, but I would love to try one someday!”

The woman disappeared into the walk in cupboard with a spring n her step.

The guy then said “there are two main types of mooncake, lotus paste and red bean paste,and this was a red bean paste.”

Then the woman cut me a piece of red bean paste mooncake to try, I asked “how much?” She said “no, no, no, here, don’t worry it’s sweet” and she was right! It was delicious!

After enjoying my slice of moon cake, I said “do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin?” she said Cantonese so I said “aw, I only know one word of Cantonese and I will probably pronounce it wrong, M Goi!“, which means thank you (specifically for a service).

My meal was ready so I said my goodbyes to the delighted waving couple on the other side of counter and thanked them again for the food. As I walked out I felt like I had completely made their night and they were both smiling ear to ear!

The Holy Trinity (my version)

Rants

No life on earth without the moon*. Thank you moon.

Thank you sun for your oppressive life giving light.

Thank you Earth for being humanity’s parent. I hope we don’t kill you completely.

*complex evolutionary reasons

The year is dying

Poems

Tired leaves droop
Dropping down
She’s gone now
Left me here

Daily loop
Same old town
Don’t know how
We’ll lose fear

Back bent stoop
Resting frown
Solemn vow
Keep that dear

unrelated miscellaneous

Poems, Rants

blue acorns turned grey by the wind
double dose of kombucha with extra bacteria

an armful of blankets dampened by clothes from the washer
disco circles spinning whilst music goes around and around my mind

tent poles for tarpaulins and bivvy sacks for sleeping in the wild
a cat called oscar whose brother has gone missing

granular pieces of chopped up sounds
gentle footsteps of a spider on a vertical wall

sixteen toasted sandwiches each slightly warmer than the last
a handful of ducks and a lonely goose in the melted section of a frozen pond

oblongs and arcs in different colours on a half painted canvas
a frown from a tired and stressed menopausal person

three reddish/brown bricks kept for a day when an odd brick would be handy
a cotton towel that needs awash but is still fairly soft

Recent Thoughts

Rants

Who/What is this?

you are a vortex, you are honest, deep and true
a beautiful paradox, i’ll fall into you

Political/Economic/Business Leaders:

he puts his responsibility into lists of rules and regulations creating a responsibility gap
i put my responsibility into myself trying to deal with ‘me problems’ creating neurosis and “growth”

What’s better eating food or philosophy?

should i sit and think with a head full of questions?
or sit and eat and live my life with those that i love?

Song for the end of summer

Poems, Songs

The stream had almost dried up
It was usually a babbling brook
Yet the days were so long
And I could hear this new song
Sung by the rocks and the fishes
Summer had granted all my wishes
Yet as the nights drew in
I felt my heart sing

Autumn will be here soon enough
Because it’s raining lint and fluff
A nice jumper to pullover my head
Some actual darkness so I can stay in bed
All I want is for you to be free
And to light the fire inside of me
I need some warming food
To keep us in this mood

Treacle and pumpkin
Ginger and spice
Roast potato with herbs
A sweetness so nice

Instadeath by TW and John

Poems

Alone, walking down the alley
Rain dripping off an overhanging branch
Red light spills from a passing police car
Casting a shadow that climbs the wall

The searing siren slowly dies
As an eerie sense tickles my spine
A clap of thunder deafens my ears
I look to the safety of my phone

I can feel all my boundaries crashing down Followers go up but my smile becomes a frown
All I wanted was to feel I was watched
Only I’m concerned as likes get notched

I look around but no one’s there
Although this feels like a real nightmare
Something’s out there I cannot see
An evil presence creeping up on me

At the end of the alley is an open field
Such wide open space would be like a shield
Lightning strikes growing fears
Briefly shines on my crimson tears

Someone’s around that much I know
I can get to safety if I go
An arm on my shoulder, I scream and cry!
Who has been following me and will I die?

Bias

Rants

I don’t want to make this about “us” and “them”.

I don’t want to have a special preference for something just because I have put time, effort, and/or money into that thing.

I don’t want to think of any human being as being an “other”.

I don’t want to ignore new evidence because it’s different to my beliefs.

I don’t want to believe things whose evidence is all from the same source or methodology more than multiple sources and different reasoning.

I don’t want to rely on anecdotes and anomalies to prove something.

I don’t want to invent a relationship between two unrelated things.

I don’t want to believe something just because I think about it a lot.

I don’t want to make existence all about the human experience.

I don’t want to necessarily associate things because I have associated them before.

I don’t want to avoid thinking about things because they have never happened before.

I don’t want to inadvertently manipulate my life into being just my expectations.

I don’t want to assume I am less biased than anyone else.

I don’t want to assume that people who agree with one thing I believe necessarily share more beliefs of mine.

I don’t want to assign high accuracy to descriptions that are deliberately vague and wide.

I don’t want to assume something is true because it fits in with my current beliefs.

I don’t want to think I am in control of things that I am not.

I don’t want to overestimate how much other people have knowledge of my mental health.

I don’t want to assume others are more egotistical than myself.

I don’t want to think I can make consistent decisions at varying levels of tiredness and/or hunger.

I don’t want to assume that other people are more predictable than myself.

I don’t want to necessarily be more compassionate to fewer identifiable victims than more unidentified ones.

I don’t want to assume losing something is more impactful than having gained it.

I don’t want to appreciate an immediate benefit more than something that has a later payoff that is arguably more valuable.

I don’t want to ignore probability when making an uncertain decision.

I don’t want to prefer making a very small risk into zero risk over making a very large risk into a very small one.

I don’t want to draw different conclusions from the same information presented in different ways.

I don’t want to think of dread as outweighing the power of savouring.

I don’t want to assume the status quo is better than an alternative because it’s what I am used to.

I don’t want to assume that big events have big consequences.

I don’t want to doubt my actual talents and abilities in fear of being called a fraud.

I don’t want to favour opinions of people just because they are in the same demographic or group or situation of myself.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to believe in a statement just because it has been made multiple times.

I don’t want to think knowing about bias is enough to overcome it.

we live for agony (yeah but me and who?)

Poems, Songs

i still want you
i need you in my life
i feel your smile
powering my heart

you say you are looking past your best
yet my key still fits in your lock
you say you’ll put us to the test
yet you’ve never put my head upon the block

you used to cry out all the time
but now you’re older you’re doing just fine
you’ve grown up in space and you gave up all your crime
it took an age but we got you across that borderline

i still want you
i need you in my life
i feel your smile
powering my heart

sing your favourite song
let me sing along
let’s be together
now and forever

i love you

What is?

Rants

What is?

Waking up feeling safe. Going to sleep feeling safe. Eating. Drinking. And laughter.

What is?

Appreciating my senses. Seeing the sky. Feeling the wind. Hearing the birds. Smelling the flowers. Tasting some fruit. Sensing space. Sensing my body tense and relax. Focusing on my breath.

What is?

Being loved. Loving others. Connections. Caring. Friendship. Non transactional relationships. Being grateful. Having capacity for understanding. Spending energy. Relaxing. Sex and masturbation.

What is?

Peace. Liberty. Freedom. Support. Healthcare. Social safety nets. Cooperation. Collaboration. Collective ownership. Representation. Diversity. Inclusion. Equity. Human rights.

Street Lights

Rants

I was just thinking about how existing street light infrastructure was at some point upgraded to replace inefficient lighting methods with modern LEDs so much so that I had a good look out of the window to admire their design, and then guess what, they turned on!

I am winning at life. That much is indisputable

seasonal punishment

Rants

closed up in a primal rage
lost the keys for my heart’s lock
what is it about summer that makes me feel so cold?
the isolation of waking up drenched in sweat in an empty house
if i don’t shower my skin cools with a subtle musk scent
a lost glimmer dies within the backdrop of inverse shadow
as i swim through the thick humid cloud that surrounds me
agitation is burning within me
lit by rays of a combusting glow

days are too long and the spirit is too weak
the fires die down ‘though water is too brief
light blinds my senses as my head rings
if i could rest it would be until autumn

alone around people with their sun charged vibes
oppression and heat beat down day and night
aloof and distant
unfriendly daze
i cannot escape this moment
excitement seems so far away
tiresome day
hastened night
combine until the wind blows once more
and i am free of this annual prison floor

tales from the kitchen

Poems

uncoated pan
clang and bang
processed fats
cat caught rats

what is good food
for your mood
for my friend
a treat to send

washing up bowl
aquarium shoal
home for fish
is not on a dish

kitchen wizard
freezer blizzard
cold cold meals
cheap cheap deals

eating a plant
having a rant
meat eating vet
around my pet

Summer

Rants

I mean this as a genuine complaint and in no way a troll towards people who suffer like this in reverse, but summer is dreadful, I hate it! Even on a rainy day it sucks.

Give me a lack of light, cold weather, opportunities to wear warm clothes. Warming up is much easier than cooling down, making things bright is much easier than making things dark.

I can’t cope with 17 hours of daylight. It’s too hot all the time, I’m uncomfortable, sunburned, constantly pouring sweat! My skin turns to shit, I am dehydrated and irritable.

Fuck this! My eyes can’t cope with light. It hurts my overheating brain. Everything and everyone seems to have loads of extra energy and are super active. It’s the opposite for me. I can’t function, at all.

Everything seems more aggressive and oppressive in summer. I am a sensitive person mentally and physically and I don’t like it. I wish I could fly north to escape. Birds have the right idea. At least I feel better for having a good moan.

/rant

Persuasive writing

Rants

Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Emotional trigger. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Unanswerable question? Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Paradoxical aphorism. Subjective opinion. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Objective fact. Summary. Subjective opinion.

Purple Mutant Summer (inspired in part by Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci)

Poems, Songs

Purple mutant summer arrives with oppressive heat.
Roars of thunder echo across the land with authority.
Heightened emotions and free admission rollercoasters for all.
Until the sun sets accompanied by chirrups and the last buzz of the day.

All I can think of is production for him in the purple mutant summer.
All I know is working til breakpoint in the purple mutant summer.
All I want is capital and inequality in the purple mutant summer.

He pollutes our skies and burns our forests.
Sucks the ground dry and turns the sea to plastic.
He says he will make me rich if I pray to him and worship.
But I never ever see him in purple mutant summer.

I am trapped at home.
Silent and scared.
The storm is still going.
Our grievances unaired.

My cat can help me
As the trumpeter weeps
Meows in their sleep again
Screaming GET OUT OF MY DREAMS!

A not very well thought out, ugly theory about the goodness of art and nature

Rants

Beauty is a moments escape. To leave oneself and still exist. A marriage of our experience of consciousness with another’s.

Our temporary senses can be unlocked and used for assessing the world around us. To see or hear something and realise that life is not limited to our experiences is freeing. This is virtuous interpretation.

Skillful artists can replicate nature in a way that connects us with this wider concept. We forget ourselves and find beauty. We feel goodness.

I will stop writing now, my food smells ready, and I am hungry

Up In Your Face

Songs

Ugh

Guess who’s back?

Lowedges sounds like this!

I hope you stub your toe and trap your fingers in the door, want more?
Brush your teeth with dog poo, step on a plug, want a hug?
You can’t have one, coz you the kind of guy to shit in a diffuser and turn it up to max, that’s facts!
Relax? I can’t because I’m in your head, that’s what I said, rent free, that’s me!

Bring it on

I’ll shut your yappin, ears flappin, you look like King Charles at the block, take his head off!
Do you understand me? I don’t charge a fee, take notes, you’re a ghost, I’m your host, you ignore all that matters most!

You’re so loud they hear you on the moon, leaving so soon? I’m not done yet.
I’m the your worst nightmare, the baddest man you ever met, yes fret, you sket.
I’d abandon you if you were my pet, wet, out in the rain. No shame, lame, a coward defamed.
You’re a fake, all talk, never saw anything good in this world, I just hurled, up in your face!

I hope you get sand stuck between your teeth and your gum, no fun.
Even if you can still get it up I hope you feel nothing when you cum, I said no fun.

Reppin’ S8

That’s where I’m from. Now all of you shut up!

And listen to me.
I don’t fuck around, you lost, I found my voice, I won, my choice, I bossed and found, you’re dead, for fun!

Go suck on a lemon, you spanner!

Monotony

Rants

I really really enjoy the feeling of living the same day over and over. It reinforces feelings of happiness, comfort, safety, needs being met, no nasty surprises, etc. but when I have an exciting dream that’s surreal and weird or actually do something different, I am like “wow! I really am not living at all”